Munch BDSM: what is it and what to expect?

Do you dream of going to a gathering of 20, 30, 40 or more where you can discuss BDSM in a safe, open-minded environment? While COVID has put the brakes on group activities for now, it won't be long before we can get together with our friends again. Here are a few things you should know before taking part in your first munch, to ensure that you and everyone around you have the best possible time.

What's a munch anyway?

Munches are events where you go to a café or restaurant to meet like-minded kinky people, but not to play games. Typically, we eat a meal together, have a drink or two, and chat. Sometimes there are activities to break the ice and get the conversation going. Most meals are open to the public, but it's always a good idea to let the hosts know in advance if there are any restrictions on the number of people in the venue.

Although there's a mix of Dom(me)s and submissives, there's no such thing as D/s protocol. In other words, if you're a submissive, you're not going to be running around fetching people drinks all night (unless you actively want to). Dom(me)s shouldn't expect anyone who isn't an employee of the establishment to provide them with any kind of service. If you are submissive, the only thing expected of you is to be courteous. In fact, this applies to Dommes and submissives alike!

Why attend a munch?

Munchs are a great place to meet people in the community, whether to play with later or just to have a little support while you learn more about BDSM. I always encourage my submissives to attend to meet others and create relationships where they can share their stories openly. Having a support network is very helpful when you have questions about your sexuality and desires.

Don't go to a munch expecting to meet the Dominatrix of your dreams. If she's there, exchange a few courteous words to start the conversation and see if she's ready to say more. Don't be heavy-handed and expect her to want to spend the evening just with you. She's also there to meet up with friends.

Attending a munch can be a good first step before heading off to a game night. Once you've met a few people at a munch, you can ask for advice on which parties are best suited to your desires, and maybe even find a group to go with.

It can also be a good meeting point for someone you've been chatting to online. If that person doesn't show up for some reason, there are plenty of other people you can talk to.

Rules for a munch

Most munches are open to all, but some have specific objectives. In Paris, there's JPK (Jeunes Parisiens et Kinky) for under-35s. Other munches are reserved for Dominatrices, others for submissives. Make sure the munch you're going to is right for you.

Please read the munch rules carefully before visiting. Photos are generally not allowed. Not everyone is "out" (open with loved ones about their sexuality), so even if you're tempted to take a selfie with a sexy Dominatrix, curb your urges and keep your phone in your pocket.

Titles such as "Mistresses" or "Masters" are generally discouraged during munchies, unless you're already in a D/s relationship with someone. It irritates me when an unknown submissive approaches me and calls me Mistress (you can read my article here on the many reasons I don't like it). We usually have name tags with the name we want to use during the event. If you know that someone's real name is different from the one on the badge, refrain from using it.

Don't touch anyone without their permission at a munch (or anywhere else, for that matter). Again, this isn't a game night, it's an opportunity to meet people and discover. What I like about this community is that we often ask each other before we kiss. Not everyone is so comfortable with physical contact, even if you think it's innocent.

Don't be weird. Don't follow someone around all night because you find them attractive. No means no. Be aware of body language. These are general life skills, but they bear repeating.

Anonymity and discretion

You might run into someone you know at one of these events, but they're there too, so don't worry. The BDSM community is generally very discreet. Part of what we stand for is that we're not judged for what we do behind closed doors, so if you run into your cousin or boss, chances are they won't spread gossip about where they saw you.

Of course, you should keep the same thing in mind if you see someone you know. If you can, avoid conversations about how you know each other. If it makes you uncomfortable, simply greet her from across the room and avoid talking to her if that seems like the best solution.

Most meals take place in a room of the restaurant where the public doesn't have access, but if this isn't the case, be discreet in your conversations. There's no need to yell about the incredible session you had the night before, divulging all the details of your naughty games. Consent applies to people outside the game too.

General courtesy

Don't forget that restaurant staff are usually very busy on Munch night. At Munch PariS-M, there can be as many as 50 or 60 people. Be patient with the staff who are there to make sure you have a good time. As a former restaurant employee, I can tell you that people who complained loudly to their table neighbors received far less attention than those who often said "please" and "thank you".

If anyone disturbs you, let the organizers know immediately. They're there to help you and make sure everyone is respectful and having a good time. We'd rather hear about a problem right away than find out about inappropriate behavior later.

How to dress for a munch?

If you walk into a munch unannounced, you might think it's a company party or class reunion. People are dressed in everyday clothes; you won't see men on leashes or women in latex jumpsuits. Some submissives will wear their collars, but that's about the kinkiest outfit you'll see.

Dress like you're going to a party with friends, or maybe a little fancier if that's your thing. I usually wear a nice dress and heels, while my male partners usually wear nice jeans, a button-down shirt and dress shoes.

Final thoughts

Try to meet both Dominatrices and Submissives while you're there. Be open-minded and recognize that we can all learn from each other, no matter who you are.

Have fun! We're just a bunch of perversion-loving perverts who want to get together. If you go in with an open mind and with these tips in mind, you'll have a great time.