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How to Find a Lifestyle Dominatrix 

What does “lifestyle” Domme mean?  

A lifestyle Domme is someone that engages in BDSM play without asking for payment. A professional Domme, as the name implies, is someone that provides access to her time in exchange for payment. Many, if not most, pro-Dommes also have play partners outside paid sessions, but we tend to be really selective as our kink time and energy is often reserved for our work. As much as we may enjoy our job (and I absolutely adore it), we don’t always want to be responsible for taking care of our submissives when we’re not being financially compensated for it.

As you may know, I am both a lifestyle and professional Dominatrix. Booking a session with me is relatively easy assuming you follow my booking protocol and have similar kinks, but becoming one of my pro bono subs is much more challenging. All of my lifestyle submissives started out as clients: it was over time that I/we decided to pursue a relationship beyond a professional one.

There are advantages and disadvantages to lifestyle vs. a pro-Domme experience, and you should probably evaluate which suits you better. You can read my article on why it's fabulous to visit a pro Domme. With a quality professional Dominatrix, you get to have a tailor-made, high-end session complete with super sassy outfits and fabulous gear, but there will certainly be much less social time (SMS, emails, coffee together…). She’s paid because of her skills, equipment, training, and expertise… and that when you’re with her, she’s 100% on her game and in tune with you.

Pro-Dommes tend to be quite strict with our time and aside from a quick drink before and/or after a session, we’re not going to spend a lot of time with you. This can be a big upside if you are also a busy person that wants to get your kink on for a few hours, then go back to reality and your everyday obligations afterward.

With a lifestyle Domme, there will likely be a lot more communication between sessions, but you have to (gasp!) deal with the whole woman. She may not always have the energy to give you what you desire and may not always be at the top of her game, even when you’ve scheduled playtime. One day, she may be in the mood to give you a bunch of tasks, then perhaps she’ll be too busy or preoccupied to think about BDSM. Pro-Dommes generally have scheduled hours like any other business, and we are in the right mindset to conduct sessions. A lifestyle Domme probably has a “regular” job, and when she comes home after a long day, may be tired and needs to take care of her family or other obligations before thinking about getting kinky.

While most professionals have a wide range of practices, many lifestyle Dommes may be a bit more limited in what they want to do or what they are trained to do. Is cross-dressing your thing? Well, not all women enjoy it. Maybe heavy bondage is what you want. Not all women are into it (and perhaps not equipped). Professionals certainly have favorite practices (look at our websites to see what we prefer), but because we have a wide range of clients with various desires, we have learned to find joy in many practices.

After taking these things into consideration, you are still convinced that you want to find a lifestyle Domme. Here are a few tips to help you along the way.

Attend Events  

Most lifestyle Dommes aren’t spending their time on social media searching for submissives. They do, however, often go to munches and play parties. If you want to increase your chances of finding a Dominant play partner, I highly recommend that you start attending events. The more people that you interact with, the higher your chances of finding someone.

As I’ve said elsewhere, when you go to events, don’t just focus on meeting Dommes. Talk with other subs, talk with switches, talk with everybody. Maybe someone has a friend that could be the perfect fit for you.

Kinky Dating Apps

Kinky dating apps are an option, although I feel that I should warn you that there are a lot of fakes that are posing as someone that they are not. If you hit it off with someone on one of these apps, I recommend setting up a video meeting early on in your exchanges. This can help weed out the fakes.

Personalize Messages  

If you are cruising the internet in hopes of finding someone, don’t send us copy-paste messages. They go directly into the trash. Take the time to thoroughly read her profile, comment on a few things that she’s written or posted, and you’ll have much better luck.

Dommes are flooded with messages on a regular basis. Stand out from the others and show that you’ve already invested a few minutes into constructing a short message specifically for her. Please refrain from writing too much! 

When you write to her, tell her how you think you could improve her life and don’t just babble on about yourself and your interests. There are few things more annoying than someone who gives a checklist of all the things they want without taking the time to consider what I want.

Do not contact the Dominatrices Professionnelles   

If you're looking for a Domina on a daily basis, don't contact professionals! We're inundated with emails and messages from submissives looking to serve, and it's so time-consuming. Would you ask a hairdresser to cut your hair for free? Would you ask a therapist for a free session? For some reason, when it comes to sex and kink, a lot of people (especially men) think they're entitled to have whatever they want, whenever they want and with whomever they want. Don't be that kind of man.

Don't insist 

If she says no, don't press the issue. This is a good thing to keep in mind in any interaction with others, especially when it comes to sex/sexuality. Consent is one of the pillars of any relationship, and if you don't understand it, you need to read up on the subject. If you become insistent, at best she'll block you, at worst you could be reported for cyberstalking. Do you really think that being insistent with a Domme is going to make you look good?

Define your needs

What does the Domme of your dreams look like? I'm not talking about physical appearance here! Is she kind and caring, or an aloof ice queen? Is she adept at humiliation or does she have a more affectionate approach? Are you more interested in an online relationship or do you need hands-on play on a regular basis? Ideally, how often do you want to engage in BDSM activities? How much time do you have to devote to her needs? Once you've determined what you want and what's realistic for you, it will be easier to target women who embody these characteristics.


This article is about finding a Domina on a daily basis, but I think it's an important thing to address. If you've had your eye on a particular woman for a while, but don't know how to approach her, a good way to do it is to send her a small gift from her wishlist (even most lifestyle Dommes have a wishlist so their submissives can send things she likes). Depending on your budget, this could be something simple like a book or something more elaborate like a day at the spa. When you send the gift (or gift card), say something like "I've been following you for a while and really *XYZ* enjoy your place. I'd love the opportunity to chat with you sometime". You'll have much better luck if you do that, I promise!

I understand that many of you are not in a position to send gifts to many women in the hope of a phone call or Zoom. I'm not at all encouraging you to do this with every Dominas you like, but it certainly makes a nice first impression and shows that you understand she probably has a lot of submissive requests in her inbox.

Patience is a virtue 

It's not easy to find a Dominant woman for a long-term relationship. Let's be honest: it's hard to find a good partner for a long-term relationship, even for vanilla people! If you accept that it's going to take time, effort and energy, you'll have a much more enjoyable time in the process. If you think that sending a few messages via FetLife is going to get you a gorgeous woman, you're setting yourself up for disappointment.

There's no magic formula

If you follow these tips, it will help you along the way, but there's no simple path to finding a Domina. Go into the process with an open mind and try not to get frustrated along the way.

Have fun, stay safe, and keep it kinky!

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