The Joy of Domination
This text was written as an introduction to Hearts and Flowers, Whips and Chains edited by Jay Willowbay. You can buy the book here.
The Joy of Domination
When I meet someone new, the conversation often goes like this:
"What do you do for a living?" someone asks me innocently.
"Well, I have one of the most unusual professions in the world," I reply, preparing them as best I can.
"Oh, really? Tell!" Humans are so curious, aren't they?
"I'm a professional Dominatrix. I spend my time creating fantasy worlds for people to explore their innermost desires."
Often, my response is met with a blank stare, sometimes with a sly, knowing smile, and sometimes with an enthusiastic "Wow, that's so cool!". I'm happy to say that, so far, I've never had a negative reaction, but then again, my profession has helped me hone my people-reading skills and adapt to different situations. While I think it's important to talk openly about my work to help people understand that what I do is ethical, important and done with love and respect, I'm not going to walk into a bookshop and proclaim that I'm a professional Dominatrix.
Indeed, it's so cool. I'm part of a lucky group of people who make a living doing what they love. How many people do you know who are lucky enough to spend their days doing what they're really passionate about? In my opinion, not many. While some aspects of my job are certainly less glamorous, the time I spend in the dungeon more than makes up for it.
Here are some of the reasons why I love what I do so much.
My Clients
Through this work, I meet tons of wonderful people. They come from very different backgrounds, and each of them has stories to share. Contrary to what you might think, there isn't just one type of client. They're of all ages, genders, sexual orientations and ethnic backgrounds. What they have in common is that they trust me enough to disclose their deepest desires, things many of them have never shared with another soul. It's an honor that they trust me enough to do so!
Thanks to them, I've become an even more empathetic person, although I've always been that way. Because such a wide range of people come into contact with me, each with their own specific desires and emotional needs, I've learned to be more compassionate and kind, more understanding and tender. This doesn't mean I'm easy to live with. They're expected to follow a set of rules that I clearly define for them, but I've learned to communicate these rules in different ways depending on the person I'm dealing with.
The connections I make through my work are truly wonderful. I've known some of my submissives for years, and we have great relationships. They encourage me to become a better woman and a better Domme.
Exploring fantasies
Isn't it fabulous to be able to live part of my life in a world I've built from my own imagination? I spend much of my time creating scenarios ranging from alien abductions to domestic training to traditional sadomasochistic scenes. Depending on my mood, I can be a seductive siren or a menacing tyrant. I can wear wonderful outfits in leather, lace and latex. I'm paid to create a play in which I'm both director and star.
I'm still learning
Whether it's studying psychology or taking a course on how to properly strangle my submissives without hurting them, I'm constantly striving to improve my skills. The wonderful world of BDSM offers an infinite number of things to explore, both physically and mentally. For someone who is curious by nature, this suits me very well.
Being quite well known in the BDSM community in France has also given me the opportunity to share my knowledge with those who are eager to learn about this magical universe. As I always want to give the best possible advice, before leading a workshop or coaching session, I do extensive research to verify my knowledge and convictions. This forces me to regularly question my own point of view and practices, which I believe is necessary if we are to flourish.
Helping people
Many people are unable to explore their fantasies outside of a visit to a professional Domme. People need to explore their fantasies, and should have the opportunity to do so in a safe, secure and non-judgmental environment. Unfortunately, this is not the reality for many people. Maybe they have a job that prevents them from attending play parties for fear of being "discovered" by someone, maybe they only want to play the role of a slave for a short time, maybe their partner disapproves of their fetish, maybe they're curious and want to explore but don't know how to go about it. There are a plethora of reasons why someone might choose to visit me or one of my pro Domme colleagues. But whatever the reasons, people need us.
I often hear that "spending time with you is more effective than therapy". While BDSM is by no means therapy, it can be therapeutic for some people. Reclaiming power through play can be cathartic, a way of turning the tables on past experiences. Using controlled, consensual means, some people achieve this. Again, absolutely no one should use BDSM instead of consulting a mental health professional if they need help. But yes, BDSM can have positive effects. The endorphins and adrenaline from one session are enough to keep you smiling all day long!
Freedom
My career choice gives me a freedom that most "traditional" jobs don't offer. I can take time off whenever I want or need to. This winter, I was able to travel to warm destinations outside the busy school vacations, when the beaches are teeming with other tourists (and hotel prices are adjusted accordingly). If I want to go and spend a long weekend in another country for a BDSM event, I don't need to ask my boss.
Being a professional Dominatrix has also given me greater financial freedom than in the past. I'm not rolling in money, but I live a comfortable life and I'm no longer stressed about not being able to pay my bills. If I want to go out for a nice dinner, I can.
It also gave me the freedom to be 100% authentic. Before I turned pro, I used to hide my kinky desires from those around me. It's so liberating to be able to talk about them openly now!
It's not all rainbows and unicorns.
I don't want to put too fine a point on it. There are many drawbacks to being a professional dominatrix. Being a strong, outspoken woman in a patriarchal society can be a challenge in itself. I've been called a bitch more times than I care to remember, despite my generally cheerful and outgoing nature. Society generally takes a dim view of sex workers (even those of us who don't have penetrative sex with our clients). There's a huge mental burden when you're dealing with other people's most intimate secrets. I have very little social protection. There are hours of cleaning to be done before and after sessions.
As a freelance Domme, I'm responsible for my own marketing, which means many, many hours on my computer every week. Twitter, InstagramFetLife, Facebook, my websitepodcasts, my newsletterinterviews, writing articles for my magazine blog. Screening customers and dealing with emails... The list goes on. Not to mention that, as a small business owner, I have to manage my money well so that, when the slow months come, I have enough money in the bank to pay my bills. There is no routine day or week, and I have to be able to adapt to my customers' schedules. It takes a lot of self-management to make things seem effortless. It's certainly not a job for the faint of heart, or at least not in the long term! But it's a job I love, and I can't see myself doing anything else.
My vocation
The Japanese have a wonderful concept called ikigai. In French, our raison d'être. The ikigai is a way of defining the personal meaning of your life based on your passions, talents, profession and what you bring to the world. Thanks to Professional Domination, I've found my ikigai and I look forward to all the wonderful things it will bring me in the future.
