Collars in BDSM
Symbols are important in BDSM, and the necklace is the quintessential symbol of Domination and submission.
Why is the collar so powerful? What is the history of the collar in BDSM? What does it mean to wear a collar? What are the different styles of collars? I'll try to give you quick answers to each of these questions, as well as my personal take on the collar. Although this article is intended to give basic information, the subject is vast and I don't pretend to know everything. Take what you want from this article, hopefully learning a little more along the way, and adapt it to your own situation.
Each Domme has his own point of view on the collar, please note that I share with you my personal point of view and my way of approaching the subject. As with all the information I write, the most important thing is that you educate yourself (from multiple sources, not just my articles) and COMMUNICATE with your partner about every little detail, even if you think it's obvious. Sometimes, what seems obvious to you is not obvious to the other person. It's always better to over-communicate than to suffer the consequences of a misunderstanding later on.
A brief history of the BDSM collar
From what I've read, the first story to use the collar as a symbol in BDSM is in the book Hisoire d'O, published in 1954. It should be pointed out that Anne Desclos (aka Pauline Reage) was not into BDSM. Is her book partly responsible for what we consider to be commonplace today?
In John Norman's Gor series, the collar is more important. These books are "classics" but I haven't read them because of the criticism that they are very sexist and to highlight the humiliation of women. I've got more interesting things to read that fit in with my feminist convictions! That said, it's possible that the "collar culture" stems in part from these books. I'll leave you to do the research.
Physical characteristics of a collar
Necklaces can be made of natural or synthetic leather, metal, paracord (a nylon rope), lace, latex or anything else you can imagine. Even a piece of string tied around the neck can be used as a symbolic necklace! I won't go into the details of necklace construction, but I invite you to look online at the countless possibilities. Take a look at this website if you want to see some beautiful necklaces made in France.
The most common collars in the BDSM world are those made of leather, natural or synthetic, with a D- or O-ring to which a leash can be attached. There are also electric collars (often used for training purposes), mobility/posture restriction collars, permanent collars, and much more. Once again, I invite you to do a little research on your own to learn about the nuances and adapt them to your needs and desires.
Play necklace
The play collar is used during a session or an event. There are (almost) no obligations attached to this type of collar: it is simply used to show that the Domme will do his best to protect his submissive, and that the latter will do his best to please his Mistress for the duration of their relationship.
I often use play collars during sessions with my clients, often explaining (especially if they're new to BDSM) that when I remove it, it's time to conclude our session. I like play collars because they provide a ritual at the beginning and end of the session that helps us both to get into the mood, or gradually return to reality.
Play collars are very useful when I take my submissives out on the town. I deliberately put a collar on them, regardless of our relationship, so that other Dommes know they have to ask me before interacting with my submissive. Although I like to share my submissives, I'm very protective of them, especially in public. In general, they can play with whoever they want, but they must consult me to make sure that the Domme in question will guarantee them the necessary safety in my eyes. In this context, the play collar could also be called the protective collar.
You may also see a submissive wearing a collar at an event, even if they've come alone. This is a play necklace that symbolizes the fact that they are submissive. Again, don't forget to ask if they're available to play with you. And remember: ask once and once only! If it's not an enthusiastic YES, consider it a NO. Don't be pushy or creepy: the BDSM community is very close-knit, and we don't appreciate submissives (or anyone else, for that matter) feeling unsafe in any way.
Consideration collars and dressage collars as springboards
There are often steps before a submissive receives a "full collar". The consideration collar is often the first step on the path to potential membership, and is most often used at the start of a D/s relationship. It indicates a sort of trial period. As the name suggests, the submissive is being considered for membership, but neither party has fully committed. The Domme begins her evaluation of the submissive, and the submissive does the same on his side to see if a long-term relationship is realistic. The consideration collar is often worn for a set period, from several months to several years, before moving on to the next stage.
Next often comes the training collar. Some people skip this step and go straight from the consideration collar to the full collar, or they may skip the consideration collar and use only a dressage collar. The idea is the same: there's a symbolic link between the Domme and her submissive, but nothing too official. The submissive may still be allowed to play with other Dommes (with or without the Domme's permission, depending on what the couple has agreed), the submissive may be allowed to attend events to meet other people, but not to play... The training collar is often accompanied by tasks that the Domme expects to be performed regularly: a mantra, submissive role training, or anything else she deems appropriate.
Complete/permanent collar and property
This is often the dream of many submissives, but is it realistic for most? Full collars are often given away after years of service to a Domme. I'm constantly contacted by submissives who want a collar immediately and I simply laugh. You don't even know me and you want to commit to a long-term relationship?! It's completely unrealistic.
The integral collar is not necessarily a physical collar, although it often is. It can be a bracelet, a necklace, a ring... or a tattoo. The idea of a permanent necklace is just that: it's permanent and shouldn't be removed unless you end the relationship.
Collar ceremonies are common when a permanent collar is given. They may take place between the Domme and the submissive, or in the presence of others. Some collar ceremonies are a simple exchange of vows, others are elaborate celebrations. I've attended many collar ceremonies and each one is different, just as each couple is different.
The way I see it, there's a lot of responsibility for both parties when it comes to ownership. It may sound like fun, but in reality, it's a lot of work! The collar would be to the D/s relationship what the wedding ring is to marriage: the parties have committed to staying together for a long time, perhaps (ideally) for life. The submissive often gives up certain rights, such as not being able to play with other Dommes, financial responsibilities, or whatever she decides... but she also has to make sure her submissive is protected at all times. That's a lot of work!
The big question
Do I have to have collared submissives? The short answer is no. I do, however, have collars dedicated to certain submissives, a sort of consideration or training collar that belongs only to them (so a notch above the play collars I use in sessions). I have no intention of replacing them with a permanent collar any time soon. Even to get to that point in a relationship with me, it takes a lot of things: that we play (VERY) well together and our inclinations align, that they've proven they'll do what I say, when I say it (within the boundaries we've established, of course), and that they're willing to make regular and significant sacrifices for my well-being. I've already committed to a long-term relationship with these people, but we haven't taken the final step yet.
Would I consider a permanent collar? Of course I would! But at this stage, the question doesn't arise. Even my best subs have a long way to go before they get there. And I know I have a long way to go before I'm ready to take on that responsibility!
Last words
Collars can be a wonderful accessory or have a much deeper meaning in a relationship. It's up to each of us to decide what's best for our current situation, and also to consider the future of both parties involved. There's no need to follow the typical protocol: do what makes you and your partner happy. It can be a physical symbol of the bond you share, whether for an hour or a lifetime... or simply because you like the way it feels around your neck.
If you see someone with a collar, or a Domme with a submissive with a collar on her feet, don't hesitate to ask what they think about the subject. I'm sure you'll get a wide spectrum of answers, and this delightful array of beliefs can help you determine what works best for you.
Have fun, be safe and stay kinky!
Written in collaboration with Podopheleus.
Be sure to check out his website for more articles on FemDom, being a submissive male, mental health, and much more.
