Soft Limits, Hard Limits: The BDSM Glossary
By Inanna Justice — Dominatrix in Paris
BDSM has its own vocabulary, and that vocabulary is a gateway. As long as you don’t know it, you remain on the outside: you guess, you make educated guesses, and you don’t dare ask questions for fear of revealing that you don’t know. That’s a shame, because these words aren’t there to filter out the initiates. They exist for a much simpler reason—to precisely name what we want, what we refuse, and what happens in between.
This glossary brings together about forty terms that I actually use, both in sessions and in workshops. Each term is first defined in a single sentence, followed by a few lines explaining what the definition doesn’t cover. You can read it from cover to cover, or look up a specific word and move on.
1. Consent and Legal Frameworks
Informed Consent — Consent given freely by a person who understands what they are agreeing to and who can withdraw it at any time.
All three conditions are equally important. A «yes» extracted through insistence is not given freely. A «yes» given without knowing what will happen is not an informed consent. And a «yes» that can no longer be taken back is no longer consent—it is a contract.
Negotiation — The conversation that precedes a scene, in which it is established what will happen, what will not happen, and how it will end.
Many beginners think that negotiating kills desire. It’s actually the opposite. We can only let ourselves go within a framework whose boundaries we know. I explain the entire process of a session here.
Flexible limit (soft limit) — A practice that we don’t rule out, but one that requires certain conditions: trust, time, gradual progress, or simply a specific day.
A flexible boundary is a «maybe,» not a «hesitant yes.» The difference is important: it isn’t achieved through insistence; it’s built over time. A flexible boundary that’s been respected for months can sometimes become a playground; if it’s pushed just once, it becomes a definitive, rigid boundary.
Hard limit (hard limit) — A practice that we categorically reject, under all circumstances, without having to justify ourselves.
This is the only term in this glossary that is not open to debate. A hard limit is non-negotiable, cannot be circumvented, and requires no explanation. «I don’t want to» is a complete sentence. A Dominatrix who seeks to understand why Before agreeing, he didn't understand what a limit is.
SSC — Safe, Sane, Consensual : safe, sane, consensual. The first ethical framework formulated by the BDSM community.
RACK — Risk-Aware Consensual Kink : a practice undertaken with full knowledge of the risks.
RACK has largely replaced SSC, for one straightforward reason: no practice is perfectly «safe.» Neither is driving. RACK conveys a more accurate message—the risk exists, we’re aware of it, and we consciously accept it. I've written more extensively about SSC and RACK.
PRICK — Personal Responsibility, Informed Consensual Kink : Everyone is responsible for their own decisions.
Security Note (safeword) — A prearranged word that immediately stops the scene, regardless of the context.
It must be a word you wouldn't say by accident. «No» and «stop» are often part of the game; «pineapple,» much less so.
Color System — A graduated safety scale: green (Everything's fine, keep going), orange (slow motion, something tenses up), red (immediate shutdown).
The orange is the most useful of the three and the most underutilized. It allows you to make adjustments without interrupting everything, and it teaches you to communicate your status before an emergency arises.
Safesign — A nonverbal signal—dropping an object, tapping three times—for times when speaking is not possible.
Safe Call — A call arranged with a trusted person at a specific time, before and after meeting someone you don't know.
Basic safety practices, which are all too often overlooked in the heat of the moment. A few tips for staying safer.
2. Roles and Dynamics
Dominant — The person leading the scene decides how it unfolds and is responsible for its safety.
The word «power» is misleading. To dominate is not to take; it is to carry. You can feel the difference immediately once you’ve experienced both.
Submitted — The person who directs the scene, within the limits they have set for themselves.
Submission does not mean giving up control, but rather delegating it—temporarily and under certain conditions. It is the submissive who sets the boundaries; the Dominant merely decides what happens within them.
Switch — A person who takes on both roles, depending on the situation, the partner, or their mood.
Teacher — A relationship-based title, within an established and generally long-lasting dynamic.
Domme — A common abbreviation for "Dominatrix.".
Professional Dominatrix (pro-Domme) — A woman who practices BDSM domination in a paid professional setting, usually without sexual or genital acts.
This distinction is fundamental and defining: a professional session does not involve sexual intercourse and is not an escort service. What exactly is included in a professional session?.
Top / Bottom — The person who performs a practice, and the person who receives it, without any hierarchical relationship.
A bottom isn't necessarily submissive. You can be flogged while retaining all your authority—and sometimes that's exactly the point.
D/s — Dominance / Submission : the psychological and relational aspects of the exchange.
S/M — Sadism / Masochism : the sensory aspect; the pleasure derived from giving or receiving an intense sensation.
You can practice one without the other. Many D/s relationships do not involve any pain; many S/M scenes do not involve any hierarchy.
Protocol — A set of agreed-upon rules of conduct that shape relationships both on and off stage.
Ritual — A repeated gesture that marks the entrance onto the stage or the exit from it.
The ritual involves much more work than it seems. It signals to the body that we’re switching diets—and, when we return, that it’s over.
Small Business — Total Power Exchange : a dynamic in which authority extends to all aspects of daily life, not just to the stage.
Vanilla — Anything outside the realm of BDSM. Descriptive, never derogatory.
3. What Happens During and After
Scene — A time-bound segment with a beginning, an end, and agreed-upon content.
Session — The term used for a professional shoot, typically lasting one to three hours. Personally, I prefer 3- to 4-hour sessions most of the time.
Subspace — An altered state of consciousness into which the person being subjected to it may slip: detachment, euphoria, altered perception of pain, difficulty speaking…
The subspace is pleasant and deceptive. It is precisely the state in which consent becomes the least reliable, because the person will often say yes to everything. That is why we negotiate beforehand, not during the act.
Topspace — The equivalent state in a dominant person: extreme concentration, altered perception of time.
Subdrop — A physical and emotional slump that occurs after a scene, sometimes the next day or the day after that, caused by hormonal changes.
Domdrop — The same phenomenon is seen in the person who was in a position of dominance. Less discussed, but just as real.
Aftercare — The time it takes to calm down after an outburst: rehydration, warmth, physical contact, talking, and simply being there.
Aftercare isn't just a nice extra added at the end. It's part of the practice, and its absence is the most reliable sign of a lack of seriousness. Subspace, subdrop, and aftercare, in detail.
Edge play — High-risk procedures, which require genuine technical skill and a precise understanding of contraindications.
Debriefing — The conversation that follows once we've come back down: what worked, what was missing, and what we'd adjust.
4. The Practices Mentioned
Bondage — Restraining the body with ropes, straps, handcuffs, or other restraints.
Shibari — The Japanese art of rope, in which the aesthetics of the bond are just as important as the tension it exerts. Bondage, shibari, and sensory deprivation.
Sensory deprivation — The deliberate suppression of one sense—sight or hearing—to heighten all the others.
Percussion (impact play) — Any form of controlled striking: hand, whip, riding crop, cane—each producing a distinct sensation.
Spanking — The most accessible form of percussion, and often the first step into the world of percussion.
Flagellation — Percussion using a strap-based instrument, the sensation of which ranges from a gentle caress to a sharp bite, depending on the material and the movement.
Sensory Games — Exploration through sensation rather than intensity: feathers, ice, wax, textures, temperatures.
Wax (wax play) — The use of candles with a low melting point, whose appeal lies as much in the anticipation as in the warmth.
Tickles (tickling) — An underrated practice that results in an immediate loss of control without any pain. The "tickle session," explained.
Chastity — The deliberate control of access to pleasure over time, usually through the use of a device.
The appeal lies not in the deprivation itself, but in what it creates: a constant sense of momentum, even from a distance, even on an ordinary day.
Edging — Bringing someone to the brink of pleasure and stopping, repeatedly.
Erotic Humiliation — The deliberate use of speech, staging, or body language to create the impression the person is seeking.
The word is unsettling—and rightly so. What distinguishes erotic humiliation from humiliation in general lies entirely in the negotiation: the words chosen together, the themes excluded, and the fact that the person on the receiving end asked for it. Humiliation and degradation, discussed here.
Role-playing game — A scene built around a plot and characters: medical authority, school administrator, interrogation, abduction.
Consensual kidnapping — A kidnapping scenario that was entirely negotiated in advance, including the unpredictability itself.
That’s the most interesting paradox of BDSM: we meticulously plan the loss of control. Why the kidnappings?.
Medical role-play — A role-playing exercise focused on clinical imaging—instruments, protocol, examination—without any actual medical procedures. The medical scenario.
Fetishism — An erotic attachment to an object, a material, or a body part: leather, latex, shoes, uniforms. The fetish session.
Pegging — A form of reverse penetration in which the woman penetrates her partner using a sex toy. Detailed here.
Service — A form of submission expressed through tasks performed rather than through sensations experienced.
Often the most misunderstood—and the most profound. Some people find a sense of satisfaction in a properly executed maintenance task that no percussion instrument could ever give them.
Munch — An informal gathering of kink enthusiasts in a public, vanilla setting, with no kink activities taking place there.
It's the easiest and least demanding way to join the community. You just stop by for a coffee. What Is a Munch?.
5. Four Misconceptions Worth Clearing Up
BDSM and abuse are not the same thing. They are opposites. BDSM is based on consent, which can be withdrawn at any time, and is negotiated. Abuse is defined precisely by the absence of these three things.
Pain and suffering are two distinct things. Pain is a sensation, and a sensation can be desired. Suffering is what we endure against our will. A well-crafted scene can contain a great deal of the former and none of the latter.
Submitting does not mean being weak. Most of the people who come to see me hold considerable authority in their lives. Letting go of control requires more strength than holding on to it—and often more self-confidence.
A professional dominatrix is not an escort. These are two different professions, each with different frameworks, skills, and limitations. Confusion is common, and there’s no shame in having been confused; it’s best to clear it up before making initial contact.
Frequently Asked Questions
What is the difference between a soft limit and a hard limit? A hard limit is an absolute refusal, valid under all circumstances and without justification. A flexible limit is a practice that can be considered under certain conditions—trust, progress, and timing. The former is never up for debate; the latter is built over time.
Is a security password required? In my experience, yes. Even in a long-term relationship, even when there is complete trust. A safe word doesn't indicate a lack of trust—it makes trust possible.
Can you withdraw your consent in the middle of a scene? Always, immediately, without having to explain yourself. That is the very meaning of the word “safety,” and a serious Dominatrix stops without asking any questions.
Where do you start when you don't know anything? By reading, and then by having a snack. Neither one requires a commitment of any kind. A guide to getting started safely.
A glossary is never complete, and this one is no exception. BDSM vocabulary evolves along with practices, varies from one community to another, and is difficult to translate. Most terms remain in English because no French equivalent has become widely accepted.
But those forty words are enough to carry on a conversation. And that’s what it’s all about: being able to say exactly what you want, what you don’t want, and where the line between the two lies. The rest comes later—and it comes naturally.
If you'd like to explore these practices in a structured setting, Check out my sessions or Write to me.
