Stay (more) safe on FetLife
When I first joined FetLife many, many years ago, a whole new world opened up for me... The Internet was still a bit of a wilderness - fascinating, of course, but far from safe. And yet, there was something undeniably exhilarating about discovering that others shared my desires (and many others I'd never even thought of!).
Back then, FetLife was like a saloon in a Western: raw, messy, but full of promise. It wasn't polished, it wasn't theatrical, and it certainly wasn't secure by default. And looking back, I have the impression that over time the platform became an ideal hunting ground for predators.
We've all learned to navigate the Internet better, but many people, too enthusiastic on their arrival at FetLife, get carried away by the excitement... and make mistakes that can be costly - emotionally, even more so.
These are often basic, common-sense principles. But the euphoria of discovering a kinky community can blur your bearings. I've published this list as a starting point a collective discussion on FetLifeI'd like to thank the many people who have contributed to the thread with their stories. The thread is still online, so don't hesitate to contribute if you feel like it.
Safety guide: the right reflexes to adopt
If something seems strange... trust your instincts.
Intuition is a powerful tool. If a situation makes you uncomfortable, you don't need justification to cut it short. Kink is never an excuse to ignore your emotional or physical safety.
Create an e-mail address dedicated to your kink life.
Use an address that's separate from your personal life. This protects you on several levels and will make life easier when you start going to events. No real first name, no personal photo. Just a space reserved for your kink identity.
`Set your privacy settings.
FetLife lets you limit who can see your profile, your photos, who can write to you... Use these functions ! They're not there to look pretty. Protect yourself from the start, even if you feel comfortable.
Never share personally identifiable information.
No real name, no address, no professional info. Even if the person seems nice. Even if you've been chatting for weeks. This information must remain strictly confidential until trust has been firmly established.
Remain skeptical of profiles that are too good to be true... or too empty.
A profile with no photo, no publications, no interaction: that's a red card. Conversely, profiles that look like something out of a Hollywood movie are often too smooth to be true. Take the time to read, look for inconsistencies, and trust your common sense.
Beware of unsolicited private messages.
If someone writes to you without ever having interacted with you publicly, it's often to avoid the stares of the community. It's not necessarily a tragedy, but it is an orange flag. Take note, observe, and don't hesitate to ignore.
Please take the time to read the profiles. Not all messages deserve a reply.
Before replying to a message, read the person's profile. Do their values suit you? Does he or she use respectful language? Are there any practices that make you uncomfortable? Your time is precious. Don't exhaust yourself replying to copy-paste after copy-paste. Silence is a perfectly legitimate sorting tool.
If someone wants to publish a photo in which you appear, ask to be tagged.
This allows you to keep an eye on how your image is used. What if you don't want the photo to be published? You have every right to say no. Consent also applies to the distribution of visuals.
In the event of harassment or inappropriate behavior: document and report.
Take a screenshot, note the date, report it to the moderation team, block it. Above all, don't doubt your right to act. Don't overreact. You're protecting your integrity - and potentially that of others.
Don't get sucked into WhatsApp, Telegram or other networks too quickly.
If you leave FetLife too quickly, you risk losing the ability to block, report or ask for help. Well-meaning people will never push you to migrate platforms without giving you time.
🚩 Warning signs: to be taken very seriously
The person asks for money
Serious professionals have websites, clear booking systems, and often verifiable testimonials. They won't send you their PayPal via private message for a "tribute" out of the blue. If asking for money precedes any discussion of limits, setting or your expectations: run away.
Photo request
Sending photos of yourself, especially intimate ones, should never be a condition for "proving" your authenticity or commitment. Pressure or insistence are forms of manipulation. Consent is key - always.
Insulting or sexually aggressive messages
It's not dirty talk, it's harassment. There's no reason to accept this kind of behavior, even in a BDSM space. You have the right to express yourself, to block, to report.
Threats or attempts to intimidate you
Subtle or explicit threats are never acceptable. Any attempt at manipulation or emotional blackmail is a red flag. You don't have to justify cutting off contact.
He wants to meet you right away, in private (hotel, home, etc.).
We prepare for a real encounter. Expectations, limits and security are discussed. Insisting on a meeting in an isolated setting from the outset is suspicious, even dangerous.
Avoid meeting someone for the first time at a play party
It may sound exciting, but it's a noisy, intense environment, where it's hard to judge the dynamics. Prefer a café, a park, or a neutral moment before any proposed play.
To conclude
FetLife is a space that can be extraordinary, but anything powerful deserves to be approached with vigilance. It's possible to make wonderful encounters - and it's just as possible to come across situations that are frankly toxic.
You have the right to ask questions, to say no, to block, to ignore, to withdraw. Your well-being comes first. This isn't coldness - it's emotional maturity.
And above all, remember: you're not alone. The real Kink community exists. It's caring, attentive and supportive. It starts with you.
Have fun and keep it kinky!
