BDSM Munch: What is it and what to expect

BDSM MUNCH

Do you dream about going to a gathering of 20, 30, 40 or more people where you can discuss BDSM in a safe and open-minded environment? While COVID has put a damper on group activities for the time being, it won’t be long before we can again get together with our friends. Here are a few things that you should know before attending your first munch so that you and everyone around you has the best time possible.

What’s a munch anyways?

Munches are events where you go to a café or restaurant to meet like-minded kinky people, but not to play. Generally, we eat a meal together, have a drink or two, and chit-chat. Sometimes there are activities to help break the ice and get the conversation going between participants. Most munches are open to the public, but it’s always a good idea to let the hosts know that you’re coming in advance in case there’s a restriction on the number of people in the location.

While there will be a mix of Dom(me)s and subs, there is no D/s protocol. That’s to say that, if you’re a sub, you’re not going to be running around fetching drinks for people all night long (unless you actively want to be doing so). Dom(me)s shouldn’t expect that people that are not employees of the establishment offer them service of any kind. If you’re submissive, the only thing that’s expected of you is to be courteous. Actually, that goes for both tops and bottoms!

Why go to a munch?

Munches are a great place to meet people in the community, be that to play with later or just to have some support while you’re learning more about BDSM. I always encourage my subs to attend to meet other submissives and create relationships where they can share their stories openly. Having a support network is so helpful when you’re asking questions about your sexuality and desires.

Don’t go to a munch expecting to meet your dream Domme. If she is there, casually exchange a few words to get the conversation going and see if she’s open to discussing more. Don’t be overbearing and expect that she wants to spend the evening only with you. She’s there to catch up with friends, too.

Attending a munch can be a good first step before going to a play party. Once you’ve met a few people at munches, you can ask advice about which parties are best suited for your desires, and perhaps even find a group to go with.

It can also be a good meeting spot for someone that you’ve been chatting with online. If they don’t show up for some reason, there are plenty of other people that you can talk to.

MUNCH BDMS
If you see me at a munch, I certainly won’t be dressed like this.

Rules at a munch

Most munches are open to everyone, although there are some that have specific purposes. In Paris, there is JPK (Jeunes parisiens et kinky) for people under 35. Other munches are restricted to female Dommes, others are only for submissives. Make sure that the munch that you’re going to attend is appropriate for you.

Be sure to thoroughly read the rules of the munch before you show up. Photos are generally not allowed. Not everyone is “out” about being kinky, so even if you’re tempted to snap a selfie with a hot Domme, curb your desires and keep your phone in your pocket.

Titles such as Mistress or Sir are generally discouraged at munches unless you’re already in a relationship with someone. It irks me when an unknown sub comes up to me and calls me Mistress (you can read my article on the many reasons I don’t like it). We usually have name tags with the name that we want to use during the event. If you happen to know that someone’s real name is different than the one on the name tag, please refrain from using it.

Don’t touch anyone without their permission at a munch (or anywhere, for that matter). Again, this is not a play party, it’s an opportunity to meet people and discover. Something that I love about the kink community is that we often ask each other before hugging/kissing. Not everyone has the same comfort level with physical touch, even if you might think it’s innocent.

Don’t be creepy. Don’t follow one person around all night because you find them attractive. No means no. Be aware of body language. These are general life skills, but they bear repeating.

Anonymity and discretion

It’s possible that you may run across someone you know at any of these events, but they’re there too, so don’t fret. The BDSM community is generally very discrete. Part of what we advocate for is that we’re not judged for what we do behind closed doors, so if you do bump into your cousin or your boss, chances are that they won’t be spreading gossip about where they saw you.

Most munches have a dedicated room in a restaurant where the public can’t access the event, but if that’s not the case, be discreet in your conversations. No need to be screaming about the amazing session you had the night before, divulging all the details of your naughty games.

Of course, you should keep the same thing in mind if you see someone that you know. Avoid conversations about how you know each other if you can. If it’s awkward for you, simply wave hello from across the room and avoid speaking to them if that feels like the best solution.

BDSM munch
Leave your toys at home.

General courtesy  

Be mindful that the restaurant staff is generally quite busy on Munch night. At the PariS-M munch there can be upwards of 50 or 60 people. Be patient with the staff that are there to ensure you’re having a good time. As a former restaurant worker, I can tell you that the people that complained loudly to their table neighbors got a lot less attention than those that said please and thank you a lot.

If someone is bothering you, let the organizers know right away. They are there to be helpful and ensure that everyone is respectful and having a good time. We would much rather hear about a problem on the spot rather than learning later that there was inappropriate behavior.

How to dress for a munch

If you were to wander into a munch unexpectedly, you might just think it was a company party or a class reunion. People are dressed in everyday clothes; you won’t see men on leashes and women dressed in full latex catsuits. Some submissives will be wearing their collar, but that’s about the kinkiest attire that you’ll see.

Dress as if you’re going to an evening out with friends, or perhaps a little fancier if that’s your thing. I generally wear a pretty dress and heels, my male dates usually wear a nice pair of jeans with a button up shirt and dress shoes.

Final thoughts

Try to meet both Dommes and subs while you’re there. Be open-minded and recognize that we can all learn from each other, regardless of how you identify.

Have fun! We’re just a bunch of kink-loving perverts who want to socialize. If you go into it with an open mind and keeping these tips in mind, you’ll have a great time.

If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.

BDSM DOMINA MUNCH

Don’t Call Me Mistress (Unless I Tell You To)

Mistress

Don’t Call Me Mistress (unless I tell you to)

Don’t assume that because many Dommes enjoy being called Mistress that it is the same for all of us. As with everything, we are individuals that have our own particular likes and dislikes. Part of the reason that I write all these articles is to tell you what my personal preferences are. This, I believe, gives you a better idea of my expectations before, during, and after a session, and also for you to determine if BDSM à la Inanna is what you’re looking for.

Unlike many of my Domme sisters, I don’t particularly like when unknown subs address me as Mistress. This, along with the fact that I let some of my submissives use the informal “tu” form in French sometimes raises eyebrows in the Parisian BDSM community and beyond. Let me clear a few things up for you so that you can be better prepared when you contact me.

A title means little if it’s not earned. How many times am I contacted by people I have never exchanged with who start their email with “Hello My Mistress.” I am certainly not yours, and we have never so much as spoken on the telephone when you decide that I am to be the one you want to submit to. It just doesn’t sit right with me.

While I am perfectly aware that many of you have been conditioned to use it, if we do not have an ongoing D/s relationship, I am not your Mistress. I am a professional Domme that you are contacting to possibly session with (if, of course, your candidature pleases me).

THE LINGUISTITICS OF MISTRESS

Linguist by training, the sound of a word and how it rolls off the tongue is important to me. Mistress (and even worse, Maîtresse in French) doesn’t appeal to my ears. Too many S sounds strung together makes it sound like someone is hissing at me, which actually sometimes seems to be the case. “Mistress, I…” is all too often followed by some weak, generic complaint or, even more common, a misplaced request.

In addition, Mistress has multiple meanings and not all positive ones. When we talk about someone’s mistress, we are usually referring to the lover of a married/partnered man. She is the “other woman” and generally seen as a home-wrecker. There is also something mildly sexist about the term, as she “belongs” to the man in question. Hard for me to define this more precisely, but it just sits wrong with me.

You are not showing respect simply by using the a certain word (or with the “vous” form in French). Respect is shown through actions, loyalty, dedication, and sacrifice. This does not happen through your choice of vocabulary. It takes time, effort, and a whole lot of energy. Yes, I understand that many of you feel that it’s a sign of respect, and I don’t disagree, but as the saying goes “show, don’t tell.”

So what should you call me? Madame is my preference. Madam, Miss or Ms. Justice are all fine, as well. Even simply Inanna works fine. I love my name and all that it stands for (I invite you to read about the Goddess Inanna). You are welcome to use it. Just don’t call me Mistress if I haven’t ordered you to do so.

Written in collaboration with FFFBuzz.com

Go to their website for articles on a huge range of subjects related to FemDom, BDSM and kink.

FIRST choice Female led destination for all to safely explore, browse & learn about their innermost fetish fantasies. The future is female? No... The Now Is Female

If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.

Mistress maitresse
Inanna Justice in Paris.

A Note to Clients

NOTE CLIENTS

A note to clients

When I speak with my vanilla friends about my work as a professional Dominatrix, they often assume that the people that I see are all basement-dwelling losers or, on the opposite end of the spectrum, high-powered CEO’s needing an escape from their high-pressure jobs. While this is sometimes the case, most of my clients tend to be somewhere in the middle. A large majority of the people that I see are more or less your average Joe. They have regular jobs, they go on vacation in August, they have families, they eat pizza on Tuesdays…

note clients
I don’t expect you to have a six-pack like this guy.

Often when a person sends me a candidature request, they say something like “I have a dad bod” or “I’m a little bald” or “I’m tall and awkward” as if it is important. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read “I don’t look like the men in the photos on your website” and “I’m not particularly attractive.”

It breaks my heart each time, as I find beauty in every body. Of course you don’t look like the men on my website because they are my MODELS. I specifically chose them because they conform to societies’ idea of a good-looking person. Do I find them attractive? Yes, but it’s more because of the connection that we have than their physique.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are also those that contact me talking about their physical attributes and assuming that because they’re attractive, they’re going to get special treatment of some kind. This is even worse than the first group as it perpetuates some sense of entitlement because their genetics conform to the standards of society. Even worse are those who start out their presentation saying “I’m Caucasian” or “of French origins.” These subtly racist remarks make my skin crawl.

I consider myself a sapiosexual. That’s to say, I’m much more attracted to a persons intellect than their physical appearance. I have, for lack of a better term, fallen in love with people that have physical characteristics that vary from one extreme to another. I don’t have a “type” unless that means respectful, wise, generous, and honest (funny also helps).

The question to ask yourself isn’t “Will Inanna think that I’m too X, Y, or Z” but rather, “Can I serve her in a way that will enrich her life?” Because that, my dear submissives, is what really turns me on.

note clients

If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.

My Favorite Clients

bonheur

My Favorite Clients

People regularly comment on the photographs that I post on Twitter saying things like “Lucky guy,” or “I would do anything to be in his place.” I would like to break this down a little for you today and tell you how you can become one of my favorite clients. It’s probably much easier than you think.

I should preface by saying that there is no such thing as a lucky sub. The boys that make up my stable have proven themselves to be dedicated, motivated, loyal, generous, and above all, patient. As a professional and lifestyle Dominatrix, you can imagine that I am quite solicited by lots of people who want to enter into a long-term relationship with me.

Do you want to be one of the special few that I write or call when I have free time? Do you want to stand out from the crowd? Here are some tips on things to avoid and things that will get you noticed in a positive way.

First Contact

When you are first contacting me, one way to stand out is to show that you have read my website thoroughly. Mention a couple of things that stood out to you. Demonstrate that you have invested a bit of time into your research before contacting me. I always say that I’m not a “fast food Dominatrix,” and I don’t want “value meal” submissives!

Fill out my questionnaire thoughtfully and precisely. I worked hard to design it so that it helps guide even the most novice of submissives. It’s not very long but I need honest and complete answers to be able to create and guide a wonderful experience for both of us.

My favorite clients

Take Care of Yourself First

Many submissives will neglect their own needs thinking that they are doing their Domme a favor. This is not true! In order to better serve me, you need to first and foremost take care of your own needs: mental, physical, and emotional. By taking time for yourself, you become stronger and wiser and will therefore be able to make positive contributions to my life.

Of course, I do expect you to make sacrifices for me, but I believe that I do this in a healthy and sane way. I genuinely want you to flourish so that you can be the best for me!

Communicate regularly, but understand boundaries

I love getting emails and text messages saying that you’re thinking of me, but sometimes it gets to be too much. Take into consideration that I have my friends in the US as well as in France that are contacting me, my business emails to schedule sessions or photo shoots, the articles that I write, my posts on social media… That alone makes for a lot of screen time! Then add 20 people that send me messages regularly just to “see how I’m doing.”

I am generally pretty good about responding fairly quickly to emails and text messages, but it may not be within five minutes, or even five hours. Aside from all of you lovely creatures, I also have a very rich social life. Even my best friends don’t hear from me for days at a time, but they understand that I’m busy and don’t take it personally when I don’t get back to them immediately.

I hate the phone, so requesting phone calls is tiring for me. Even my best friend in the world gets about 10 minutes a month on the phone with me. If I want to speak on the phone, I’ll let you know. I also have the memory of a goldfish, and often forget what we’ve said on the phone, yet another reason to not request a call. If it’s for session details, please, please, PLEASE send me an email. It’s not because I’m not listening, it’s simply because I may forget if I don’t have it in front of my eyes.

I have a strong presence on social media, and if you want to see what’s new and exciting in my life, Twitter is a great way to do so! Plus, you’ll get to see what delicious things I’m eating, what fun projects that I have planned, and much more.

my favorite clients

Promote Me

One easy way to get noticed is to share content on social media. It helps build a bigger following, which of course can potentially bring new clients, but it also helps me get recognized by other Dommes internationally and get invited to events. As many of you know, I organize lots of events in Paris, and the more the word spreads, the more motivated I am to continue hosting and organizing.

There are websites where you can post reviews about your favorite sex workers. If you are part of these communities, a good review can do wonders for me. Don’t hesitate to write a kind word on these forums.

Share Your Skills

Do you have a skill that could benefit me? One sub re-did my website a couple of years ago (and continues to help me with updates). Another one is building custom-made equipment for my space. One recently offered a photo shoot. Others help me by translating my articles. Some make art. All of these people contribute positively to my life without spending a dime.

Whether you are a doctor, a lawyer, a chef, a geek, a plumber or you just like spending your time going to bookstores, I could probably use your help at one time or another. What skills do you have that might help me? Is there something that you can do that will free up some of my time? I’m sure many of you have ways to contribute to my well-being without spending money to session, it’s just a matter of getting creative and asking if you can help.

Respect My Time

I am self-employed, which means that every minute is an opportunity for me to make money. Be on time for your appointment with me, just as you would with any other professional. If you’re running late, let me know. If something comes up, tell me earlier rather than later.

As you all know, we always have a drink after a session. This is a great time for us to catch up and chit chat about everything and nothing. It’s always a pleasure to spend these few moments with each of you fabulous individuals, but please don’t abuse this privilege.

Most Dommes don’t offer this social time without pay, but that’s not my style. That said, please be aware that I probably have dinner planned, an exhibit to go see, a project to work on, or I just simply want to lounge around after our lovely session. Don’t overstay your welcome.

Gifts Don’t Pay Bills

I love when you bring me presents, especially when they are food and wine! But you know what’s even better than a great bottle of Champagne or olive oil? Not having to worry about paying my bills.

I have one young sub that sends 5€ every week. In the grand scheme of things, it’s not a lot, but it shows how much he appreciates me. It doesn’t have to be big bucks to show your support. Those weekly or monthly contributions are what can make the difference between a client that I like to play with and one that goes on the favorites list.

Encouraging your Domme means supporting her financially even when sessions aren’t possible, showing your appreciate all the work she does.

If you’re not comfortable sending money, buy me an experience instead of a new pair of shoes. Send me to the spa for a massage, a gift certificate for a nice restaurant, tickets for the theater. Those memories will last a lifetime, but those shoes will probably be sitting in the closet unnoticed most of the time.

my favorite clients

Don’t Feel Left Out

Part of the reason that makes Dommes so charming is that you see that we are involved in all sorts of interesting projects, right? Well, it takes a lot of time, effort, and energy to do these things, and for most of us, being active in the BDSM community is a priority (for both personal and professional reasons).

What that means is that we may choose going to a party where we are going to see a lot of friends instead of spending an evening with you. This is difficult for many subs to understand, and can provoke feelings of jealousy or of being left out. It is nothing against you. We may even be talking about you while we’re out and about (in a good way).

Don’t Disappear

If we have an ongoing relationship, even if that means we only see each other a few times a year, please don’t disappear. I think of you all regularly and with great fondness, and sincerely get worried when someone ghosts me.

I understand that things change. Maybe you find another Domme, maybe you have family problems, maybe you simply move on and no longer want to partake in BDSM. All of that is totally understandable and I won’t take it personally! But being ghosted is painful, even for a strong woman like myself.

If your life circumstances change, communicate that to me. Write me a little email saying that you have moved on but that you appreciated the time we spent together. I will keep you fondly in my heart, and if you ever do decide to rekindle a relationship, I will (likely) gladly accept.

Final Word

Becoming a favorite client is not about what practices you like or if you come and see me every week. It’s about your devotion and dedication to helping me lead a richer, more fulfilling life. Take good care of yourself, use common sense, be available, be respectful and maybe I’ll put you on my “favorite clients” list.

Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay kinky.

If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.

 

BDSM relationships and classic s-type roles

fetish bdsm

Written in collaboration with FFFBuzz.com

Go to their website for articles on a huge range of subjects related to FemDom, BDSM and kink.

FIRST choice Female led destination for all to safely explore, browse & learn about their innermost fetish fantasies. The future is female? No... The Now Is Female

BDSM RELATIONSHIPS and classic s-type roles

BDSM is full of various s-types. What’s an s-type? I’m glad you asked.

In BDSM relationships, the dominant person (or top) is the one that takes the power, authority, or control. This authority is of course always with the consent of all parties involved. The power exchange can last a few minutes or a lifetime, depending on the participants.

The other person is not necessarily submissive, but we refer to them as s-types or bottoms. This can include slaves, fetishists, masochists, sissies, cross dressers, brats, pets, kinksters, littles, kajirus, toys and many more. Sometimes there is overlap between them, which I’ll explain a little later, but let me start by giving a quick definition of the most common bottoms.

Submissives

A submissive is someone that consensually gives up power to another person. This person agrees to relinquish control in a scene or in a relationship. This can mean anything from letting the dominant choose what the submissive will wear to completely controlling all aspects of their life including but not limited to food, physical activity, or finances. Again, this is always done consensually! The dominant is thought of as a sort of coach, there to help the submissive achieve the goals that they have decided on together.

These objectives are not limited to becoming a more submissive person. For example, if a sub wants to tone up his body, I will propose a workout routine for him. If he completes the tasks, he gets rewarded (this can be as simple as a ‘good boy‘). If he doesn’t, there are consequences for his actions. Contrary to mainstream belief, not all submissives are masochists. Some are service-oriented and simply want to clean the house for the lady. Others prefer to contribute to the financial well-being of their Domme.

Slaves

Generally speaking, a slave is a submissive that has given up their right to negotiate with the dominant. We call this consensual non-consent. A slave makes an initial decision to serve their Master or Mistress, then completely relinquishes control. This often means that there is no safe word to stop a scene, nor is negotiation possible when the dominant decides something either inside or outside of the dungeon.

While a submissive has rights in a D/s relationship, a slave generally does not. They essentially become the property of their Dominant, and the Domme can do as they like with the slave. Please note that this is quite extreme and rare, even in long-term BDSM relationships. Prior to becoming a slave, a submissive generally has to serve the dominant for a long time to prove that they are mentally sound to relinquish their control.

Fetish Mistress
Fetishes go well beyond shoes.

Fetishists

Fetishists are those that have a fixation on a certain object. Quite often, they are not submissive but their object of adoration is vital for them to feel sexually satisfied. Some believe that fetishists don’t fall into the D/s spectrum, but there are lots of fetishists that find what they’re looking for within the framework of BDSM.

We commonly think of foot or shoe fetishists, and they are quite common, but there are other types of fetishists, as well. It could be a fetish for scarves, for certain types of material (often leather, vinyl and latex, but not certainly not exclusively), for freshly painted fingernails, for dirty socks, for redheads… I have one fetishist in my stable and I joke that I only exist from the knees down (he is a latex and foot fetishist). He is not at all submissive, but he needs to touch my latex-clad feet to feel sexually satisfied.

BDSM roles relationships
Does being tied up here excite you?

Masochists

Masochists are those that research pleasure through pain. When we think of the stereotypical scene of a leather-clad woman whipping her partner, that guy is probably a masochist. Many of the hard-core masochists that I know are not submissive, despite their need to be humiliated and degraded, either physically or mentally during sessions. Masochism can also be self-inflicted, which further validates that they aren’t always submissive.

Sissies and cross-dressers

Sissies and cross-dressers are men who wear women’s clothing, makeup, and behave in a typically feminine manner. Generally speaking, a sissy is one that is “forced” by their Domme to dress as a woman, while a cross-dresser is someone that does it of their own accord. They may or may not want to live their life as a woman, but there are different reasons that people are attracted to this practice. One can simply be drawn to the aesthetics of dressing in more feminine clothing.

Some find it humiliating to be dressed as a woman. I refuse to participate in cross-dressing sessions that are humiliation-based, as I find absolutely nothing humiliating about being a woman. For others, it’s about breaking stereotypic views on masculinity and femininity. Some strive to create a more feminine connection with their Dominatrix, as generally speaking, the way that two women interact is different than the way a woman and a man will interact.

BDSM relationships

There is often a lot of crossover from these different roles. A slave can be a fetishist but not a masochist (here’s to hoping his Domme isn’t a sadist!). A cross-dresser isn’t necessarily submissive, but enjoys donning the beautiful outfits that we women get to wear. A Domme may be a masochist.

As with the entirety of BDSM practices, there are no rules except that things happen between consenting adults. One day someone might identify as a submissive, the next day they realize that they are a fetishist, then the following day want to be dressed up in a pretty dress and high heels. Humans are constantly evolving both inside and outside of the framework of BDSM. If you fluctuate between these different roles, no problem. Just keep it safe and keep it kinky!

If you enjoy my blog, feel free to share it on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.