Written in collaboration with Podopheleus.
Be sure to check out his website for more articles on FemDom, being a submissive male, mental health, and much more.
Collars and collaring
Symbols are important in BDSM, and the collar is the quintessential symbol of dominance and submission.
Why is the collar so powerful? What’s the history of collaring in BDSM? What does it mean to “be collared?” What are the different styles of collars? I will try to give you quick responses to each of these questions, as well as my personal views on collaring. While this article is meant to give some basic information, this is a vast subject and I don’t pretend to know everything. Take what you want from the article, hopefully learning a bit along the way, and adapt it to your own situation.
Each Domme has her own views on collaring, please note that I am sharing with you my personal views and how I approach the subject. As with all of the information that I write about, the most important thing is that you educate yourself (from multiple sources, not just my articles) and that you COMMUNICATE with your partner about every little detail, even if you think that it’s obvious. Sometimes what seems like a no-brainer to you isn’t true for the other person. It’s always better to over-communicate than to suffer the consequences of a misunderstanding later.
A quick history of the BDSM collar
From what I’ve read, the first story using the collar as a symbol in BDSM is in the book Histoire d’O, published in 1954. It should be mentioned that Anne Desclos (aka Pauline Reage) wasn’t into BDSM. Was her book partly responsible for what we see as commonplace today?
In the Gor series by John Norman, more significance is placed on the collar. These books are “classics” but I haven’t read them due to criticism of them being highly sexist and there is a lot of humiliation of women. I have better things to read that correspond to my feminist beliefs! That said, it’s possible that ‘collar culture’ stems in part from these books. I’ll let you do the research on that.
Physical attributes of a collar
Collars can be made from leather or synthetic leather, metal, paracord, lace, latex, or anything else you can imagine. Even a piece of string tied around the neck can be used as a symbolic collar! I won’t get too into the details of the construction of a collar, but invite look online at the endless options. Take a look at this website if you want to see some beautiful made in France collars.
Most commonly seen in the BDSM scene are leather or synthetic leather collars with a D-ring or O-ring to attach a leash to. There are also shock collars (often used for training purposes), mobility restriction/posture collars, permanent collars, and much more. Again, I invite you to do some research on your end to learn about the nuances and adapt them to your needs and desires.
The Play Collar
The play collar is used during a session or at an event. There are (almost) no strings attached to this type of collar: it’s simply used to show that the Domme will do their best to protect their sub and that the sub will do their best to please their Mistress for the duration of their time together.
I often use play collars during sessions with my clients, often explaining to them (especially if they’re new to BDSM) that when I remove the collar, it’s time to wrap up our session. I love play collars as they provide a ritual at the beginning and end of the session that helps us both get in the mood, or to start to come back to reality.
Play collars are very useful when I take my subs out on the town. I deliberately collar them, regardless of our relationship, so that other Dommes will be sure to ask me before interacting with my sub. While I love sharing my submissives, I am very protective of them, especially in public. In general, they can play with whoever they’d like, but they need to check in with me to make sure that the Domme in question is safe in my book. In this context, the play collar could also be called the collar of protection.
You might also see a sub wearing a collar at an event, even if they came alone. This is a play collar to symbolize that they are submissive. Again, be sure to ask to see if they are available to play with. And don’t forget: ask once and only once! If it’s not an enthusiastic YES, consider that it’s a NO. Don’t be pushy or creepy: the BDSM community is a tight-knit one and we don’t appreciate it when subs (or anyone, for that matter) feel unsafe in any way.
The consideration collar and training collar as stepping stones
Often there are steps before a submissive receives a full collar. The consideration collar is often the first step on the path towards potential ownership and is most often used early in a D/s relationship. It indicates a sort of probationary period. As the name suggests, the submissive is being considered for ownership, but neither party has fully engaged. The Domme is beginning her evaluation of the submissive, and the sub is doing the same from their end to see if a long-term relationship is realistic. The consideration collar is often worn for a set time period, from several months to several years, before moving on to the next step.
Next is often the training collar. Some people skip this and go directly from the consideration collar directly to full collaring, or they might skip the consideration collar and use only a training collar. The idea is the same: there is a symbolic link between the Domme and her sub, but nothing too official. The sub may still be allowed to play with other Dommes (with or without the permission of the Domme, depending on what the couple has agreed on), the sub may be allowed to attend events to meet other people, but not play… The training collar is often accompanied by tasks that the Domme expects to be carried out regularly: a mantra, position training, or anything else she sees fit.
Full/Permanent Collar and Ownership
This is often the dream of many subs, but is it realistic for most? Full collars are often given after years of serving a Domme. I am constantly contacted by subs that want to be collared immediately and I just laugh about it. You don’t even know me and you want to commit to a long-term relationship?! Completely unrealistic.
Full collars don’t necessarily have to be a physical collar, although often they are. It can be a bracelet, a necklace, a ring… or a tattoo. The idea of a permanent collar is just that: it’s permanent and should not be removed unless ending the relationship.
Collaring ceremonies are common when a permanent collar is given. This can be between the Domme and the sub, or with others present. Some collaring ceremonies are a simple exchange of vows, some are ornate celebrations. I’ve attended many collaring ceremonies and each one is different, as each couple is different.
The way I see it, there is a lot of responsibility on both parties for ownership. It may sound fun, but in reality, it’s a lot of work! I see it a bit like a wedding ring: the parties have engaged to stick together for a long time, perhaps (ideally) for life. The sub often gives up certain rights, such as not being able to play with other Dommes, financial responsibilities, or anything else she decides… but she also has to ensure that her sub is protected at all times. That’s a lot of work!
The Big Question
Do I have collared subs? The short answer is no. I do, however, have dedicated collars for certain submissives, a sort of consideration or training collar that belongs just to them (so a step above the play collars that I use in session). I don’t plan on changing them out for a permanent collar anytime soon. Even to get to that point in a relationship with me takes a lot: that we play (VERY) well together and that our kinks align, that they have proven that you will do what I say, when I say it (within the boundaries that we’ve established, of course), and that they are willing to make regular, important sacrifices for my well-being. I’ve already engaged in a long-term relationship with these people, but we haven’t taken the final step.
Would I consider giving a permanent collar? Sure! But at this point, it’s not up for question. Even my best boys have a long way to go before we get there. And I know that I still have a lot to do before I’m ready to take on that responsibility!
Last words
Collars can be a wonderful accessory or have a much deeper significance in a relationship. It’s up to each of us to decide what works best for our current situation and also to consider the future of the two parties involved. There’s no need to follow the typical protocol of collaring: do what makes you and your partner happy. It can be a physical symbol of the bond between you two, be that for an hour or for a lifetime… or it can just be that you love the feeling of it around your neck.
If you see someone collared, or a Domme with a collared sub at her feet, feel free to ask what their thoughts are on the subject. I’m sure you’ll get answers that vary from the tame to the extreme, and that delightful panoply of beliefs can help you determine what’s right for you.
Have fun, stay safe, and keep it kinky!
