As you might already know, I love introducing beginners to BDSM. We always remember our first times: the first time we kissed someone, the first time we drove a car, our first vacation as an adult… I want to initiate more people to the wonders of this world in a safe and reassuring framework.
We will begin with a video call of 15 minutes where you can ask me anything that you would like. Want to know more about a certain practice but you’re too shy to ask someone? No problem, I have heard a lot of unusual fantasies and I will not judge you. Are you interested in meeting a kinky partner but don’t know where to look? I have tons of resources that can help you in your research. Do you just simply want to ask questions about me? I’m an open book. Whatever you want to discuss is fine with me! The point is that you feel more comfortable when we finally meet.
I will require that you read several articles on my website before our session and will verify that you have done so before we meet. This is to ensure that our time together is as enjoyable as possible and that you’re aware of some BDSM basics that I feel are essential to having the best time possible. I find that this also reassures beginners of my commitment to safety and the well-being of my play partners.
From there, we will set a date for our session. Because this is intended to be an initiation session, I have selected some of the most requested practices for beginners. You can choose three from the list that I’ve curated:
Impact play (floggers and hand spankings)
The session lasts 1h15 minutes, which includes time for a shower at the beginning and the end of play time. We will then have a quick drink together to debrief.
As with all my sessions, there is a deposit to be paid before we schedule our video call. This is non-refundable, but if you give me at least 48 hours’ notice, I allow you to reschedule one time in the following 30 days without losing your deposit.
I am also currently requiring a COVID test for all sessions. This must be done less than 24 hours before our session time and you need to show me the results when you arrive. For those that haven’t done one, it’s not pleasant but it’s not painful. Nearly every pharmacy in my neighborhood does them without an appointment.
I hope that this encourages more people to take that very intimidating first step. I was very lucky to have some excellent people guiding me when I was a beginner in the scene, and I hope that I can be that for others. BDSM can be scary when you don’t know what to expect, but my hopes are that this program helps soothe some of those fears and helps people move on to explore all the fantastic things that we can experience in this world.
If you’re interested in scheduling this type of session, send me an email with “BDSM beginners program” in the subject line and we can plan the next steps.
Please note: this is intended for those with little or no real-life experience with a Domme. It is not a way for more experienced players to have a less expensive session with me. If I find out that you are more practiced, I will cancel our session and you will be added to the blacklist for your dishonesty. My goal is to introduce beginners to the magic of BDSM and I won’t tolerate someone taking advantage of my kindness and generosity. Thank you for your understanding on this point.
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Don’t assume that because many Dommes enjoy being called Mistress that it is the same for all of us. As with everything, we are individuals that have our own particular likes and dislikes. Part of the reason that I write all these articles is to tell you what my personal preferences are. This, I believe, gives you a better idea of my expectations before, during, and after a session, and also for you to determine if BDSM à la Inanna is what you’re looking for.
Unlike many of my Domme sisters, I don’t particularly like when unknown subs address me as Mistress. This, along with the fact that I let some of my submissives use the informal “tu” form in French sometimes raises eyebrows in the Parisian BDSM community and beyond. Let me clear a few things up for you so that you can be better prepared when you contact me.
A title means little if it’s not earned. How many times am I contacted by people I have never exchanged with who start their email with “Hello My Mistress.” I am certainly not yours, and we have never so much as spoken on the telephone when you decide that I am to be the one you want to submit to. It just doesn’t sit right with me.
While I am perfectly aware that many of you have been conditioned to use it, if we do not have an ongoing D/s relationship, I am not your Mistress. I am a professional Domme that you are contacting to possibly session with (if, of course, your candidature pleases me).
THE LINGUISTITICS OF MISTRESS
Linguist by training, the sound of a word and how it rolls off the tongue is important to me. Mistress (and even worse, Maîtresse in French) doesn’t appeal to my ears. Too many S sounds strung together makes it sound like someone is hissing at me, which actually sometimes seems to be the case. “Mistress, I…” is all too often followed by some weak, generic complaint or, even more common, a misplaced request.
In addition, Mistress has multiple meanings and not all positive ones. When we talk about someone’s mistress, we are usually referring to the lover of a married/partnered man. She is the “other woman” and generally seen as a home-wrecker. There is also something mildly sexist about the term, as she “belongs” to the man in question. Hard for me to define this more precisely, but it just sits wrong with me.
You are not showing respect simply by using the a certain word (or with the “vous” form in French). Respect is shown through actions, loyalty, dedication, and sacrifice. This does not happen through your choice of vocabulary. It takes time, effort, and a whole lot of energy. Yes, I understand that many of you feel that it’s a sign of respect, and I don’t disagree, but as the saying goes “show, don’t tell.”
So what should you call me? Madame is my preference. Madam, Miss or Ms. Justice are all fine, as well. Even simply Inanna works fine. I love my name and all that it stands for (I invite you to read about the Goddess Inanna). You are welcome to use it. Just don’t call me Mistress if I haven’t ordered you to do so.
Written in collaboration with FFFBuzz.com
Go to their website for articles on a huge range of subjects related to FemDom, BDSM and kink.
If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.
Even Dommes Do Laundry: Dispelling Some Common Misconceptions About Dommes
People seem to think that I live in an alternate reality where I don’t need to wait in line at the post office when I have to ship a package off. Others think that I wake up dressed in leather and lace, my hair perfectly done, dark red lipstick already applied. Others still think that we have men doing all the things that we don’t enjoy doing. Believe it or not, your favorite Goddess also puts her pants on one leg at a time.
Likely the most common misconception about Domme is that we are constantly surrounded by men taking care of all the menial tasks of the day. The vast majority of us don’t have full-time service slaves, although there is no shortage of offers.
Having a service sub usually takes more time and energy than doing something myself. Of course, my loyal submissives may run an errand or two for me once in a while, but I would much rather clean the bathroom myself than have to spend time looking over the shoulder of someone making sure that they are doing it up to my standards. Plus, many house subs will intentionally make mistakes to get attention (even if it’s not positive).
I do have two live-in slaves: Jean-Phi (my dish washing machine) and Jean-Henri (my washing machine). Beyond that, I have no desire to have a full-time a house slave.
We’re making tons of money
While the hourly rate to meet a pro Domme can be upwards of several hundred dollars per hour, this is not a job where we can do sessions 40 or more hours a week. While most full-time professional Dommes put in well over 40 hours per week, most of that time is spent on communication, marketing, doing photo shoots, editing videos, responding to emails, or perhaps writing articles. Most of the women that I know have a sweet spot of about 3-4 sessions per week. More than that and it tends to be physically and emotionally challenging, especially for those of us who put our heart and soul into our sessions.
Like with any business, we also have overhead costs. Outfits and quality equipment are expensive, then we have dungeon space, cleaning products, website hosting, advertising, photo shoots and many more “invisible” costs.
We don’t have down days
Anther misconception about Dommes is that we are always at 100%. We are humans. While publicly we show only our best qualities, our strength, and our power, we also have days that we feel down. Some of us suffer from mental or physical health problems. We have family and relationship issues. A lot of us juggle another job in addition to this one. Sometimes we’re tired or frustrated or lonely or sad. That does not make us weak, it makes us human.
Lifestyle vs. sessions
Even if we live the lifestyle 24/7, that doesn’t mean that we’re always in session. There is a big difference between how I am with the submissives that are near and dear to me and how I am with a client that is coming for a couple of hours of play. My “lifestyle” partners have the privilege of eating dinner with me, seeing me in yoga pants, and going for a stroll in the park. More importantly, they don’t expect me to be 100% focused on play, even if I integrate it into our routine.
When I’m done with an intense paid session, I don’t necessarily want to tie my partner up and torture them. Well, actually, sometimes I do, but it’s a very different dynamic than the relationship that I have with my clients! With clients, I have to be 100% on my game, focused, on point, with my non-client play partners, I show up in jeans and a t-shirt, hair in a ponytail and without makeup.
We’re always on top
While many of us are in female-led relationships (FLR), it’s not the case for all pro Dommes. Some of us are in vanilla relationships, some of us are asexual, some of us are polyamorous. Some of us only like controlling our partners “in the dungeon” and prefer a different role in our daily lives. We are unique individuals and our relationships outside of our jobs reflect that. Don’t assume that because a woman has chosen to work as a professional Dominatrix, she enjoys the same power when she’s not working.
We wouldn’t do it if we didn’t get paid
Most pro Dommes love BDSM and we would absolutely practice if we weren’t paid, just statistically not with you. This isn’t meant to sound (too) bitchy, but it’s the truth. Dominant women are highly sought-after. It’s the reason that some of us have made a successful career out of it. Many of us started out “just for fun,” and one day the light came on and we realized that we were so in-demand that we could charge for our extensive skills.
When a Domme goes to a party, there’s 20 boys lined up and begging for attention. We have a wide variety of choices literally at our feet. Unless you look like Ryan Gosling and like heavy pain play, I’m probably not going to choose you. Why? Because that guy is likely in the room and I’m going to choose him.
We don’t enjoy “normal” things
Generally speaking, we live exciting, fast-paced lifestyles. We regularly attend kinky events, we organize elaborate sessions that could literally kill our partners if not executed properly, we thrive on adrenaline and excitement… but we also appreciate like (and need) down time. We appreciate those calm moments at home cooking a nice meal, playing board games, or just zoning out on Netflix.
Don’t forget that your Domme is a person. While she certainly deserves to be placed on a pedestal before you, it’s important to remember that a pedestal can be a very narrow platform to stand upon. Be careful with common misconceptions about professional Domme when she’s not in session.
The site is a great source of information, whether you’re traveling and looking for a Mistress to serve, curious about a specific practice, or just want to read some kinky goodness. I particularly like the section dedicated to mental health. As many of you know, I take safety seriously! It’s great to see another resource discussing issues that we often have a difficult time talking about with our partners. Whether you’re a beginner or an experienced player, a lifestyle Domme or a successful professional, a sub or a fetishist, there are great articles on a number of subjects ranging from cats and BDSM (there could be a connection!) to race play to attending your first munch.
Go take a look at Leesha Lacey’s twitter and website, then hop over to FFFbuzz.com to explore what they have carefully curated for your reading (and viewing) pleasure.
A brief explanation of terms for safer play in BDSM
If you have been around the BDSM scene for a while, you have likely heard SSC and RACK used. What is the difference? And how about other, less-known acronyms such as PRICK and CCC? What are the variations between them, and what are your expectations when entering into an exchange with a Mistress or other play partner?
This is a very nuanced subject, and I will not go too far into details, but I do want to offer a brief introduction. If you are looking to delve into the specifics, there are endless resources available online and in print.
The four most commonly used acronyms when discussing safer play are:
SSC: Safe, sane, and consensual.
RACK: Risk-aware consensual kink
PRICK: Personal responsibility informed consensual kink
CCC: Committed, compassionate, consensual
One word that appears in all four acronyms is consent, which is the basis for all healthy BDSM (and other) relationships. Merriam-Webster defines it:
to give assent or approval
compliance in or approval of what is done or proposed by another
agreement as to action or opinion
In the context of BDSM, this is the act of both parties agreeing to participation in certain acts (which may or may not be sexual in nature). If both parties are not in agreement, it is not an act of consent, but of abuse. This is one of many reasons that Mistresses have lengthy questionnaires asking for hard and soft limits before engaging in any sort of play: we do not want to cause any lasting damage to your psyche. It should be mentioned that there are legal issues to consider, even if the sub/bottom consents, but that’s a subject for another time.
Now for the nuances between the acronyms.
This terms was introduced in 1983 by David Stein, who wanted “to distinguish the kind of S/M I wanted to do from the criminally abusive or neurotically self-destructive behavior popularly associated with the term ‘sadomasochism’.”
Let’s be real: BDSM is inherently dangerous. Even a so-called soft practice can cause permanent damage when done incorrectly. Not to mention, what one person considers safe, another might consider bonkers. Think of scuba diving. There is no way in hell I’m going to strap on a tank and dive dozens of meters underwater, surrounded by unusual creatures that may eat me. That just doesn’t feel safe to me (and no, you can’t convince me otherwise). But for others, it’s how they spend every weekend. There is no one definition of safe that works for every human on earth.
Sanity is also subjective, and one reason that I lean more towards RACK or PRICK. For example, I have a sub that, when in stressful conditions (which BDSM scenes are by design), has a difficult time expressing himself verbally. He is “sane,” but I have to be on extra alert when playing with him, monitoring his vital signs and non-verbals to avoid sensory overload. Many of us suffer from depression, anxiety, or any other number of disorders that have commonly been viewed as “insane,” despite leading completely normal lives. If I excluded every person that has had a burnout or suffered depression, I would never play again!
Also, if we think that there are non-safe ways to play, what does that mean for those of us who take part in those practices? For the average non-kinky person, even a mild practice like putting a collar on a sub and leading them on a leash may seem insane. I would love to see the look on their faces when I talk about my average Friday night!
In short, I find SSC to be too subjective for my version of BDSM.
RACK was coined in 1999 by Guy Switch, who compared mountain climbing to BDSM. For both activities, the risk makes up a big part of the thrill, but one can minimize danger through proper training, equipment, and technique. Awareness and education are key concepts in RACK, and all participants are expected to be able base their decisions on the information that they have acquired about a certain practice. My partner may be willing to be flogged because I (likely) won’t break the skin on his booty, but a single tail is out of the question as the chance of me drawing blood is much higher. With RACK, there is an expectation that the sub is aware of that prior to consenting to a scene.
This is a fairly new acronym in the BDSM scene, becoming popular in 2009, but one that I appreciate as it emphasizes personal responsibility (and not just awareness of possible dangers) of all participants involved. Each person has the right to accept or reject a particular practice, and must live with the consequences of their decisions. As a Pro Domme, I veer towards this, particularly with subs that want harder practices. As much as it is my responsibility to educate and train myself, my subs also have a role to play. I cannot be responsible if someone doesn’t communicate their needs.
One criticism of PRICK is that we can never be fully prepared for a practice that we have never tried before. Indeed, even if you are with a Mistress that has mastered a particular practice, your body and mind may not be prepared for the experience in real life.
Committed, compassionate, and consensual is another term that is gaining in popularity in some circles. CCC is generally for TPE (total power exchange) or 24/7 relationships and generally not adapted for Professional Dommes or with play partners. With CCC, the sub does not make their desires known, but rather only discloses their hard limits. The Dominant partner decides everything (when, where, what, how, with whom…). Safe words are often not part of CCC agreements, although conversations between the submissive and the dominant partner are had to ensure that the practices remain consensual. While many people believe that they want to enter into a CCC relationship, often the submissive realizes that there are a plethora of risks involved, including potentially life-threatening physical and emotional damage.
As I mentioned earlier, consent is the backbone of all of these acronyms. If you did not agree to something that your partner does to you, it’s abuse. Despite what it looks like to those who are not involved in the BDSM scene, generally speaking Dommes are benevolent and caring people who strive to provide a safe sphere to explore the magical possibilities of power exchange.
In BDSM, we are flirting with danger (and it’s soooo good), but we can prepare ourselves mentally and physically to avoid risks. I invite you to do some deeper reading and see what works for you. Take elements from each of these philosophies. Each have their strengths and weaknesses; it’s up to you to decide what feels the most appropriate for your current situation. Most importantly, talk to your partner! Communication in relationships, be them with a professional Dominatrix or not, is the key to having beautiful and enriching experiences.
*I use the term “sub” frequently. I could easily replace that with fetishist or bottom or masochist or client or slave or any number of words. See my article on the subject.
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