Chastity basics

chastity

Chastity basics

This article is focused on male chastity as I have no personal experience with keeping a cis-female submissive in chastity. I will use he/him pronouns for simplicity, although some of my subs  identify otherwise during play. 

As with all of my articles, this just scratches the surface of the subject. Like all sexual practices and relationships, there are many nuances. I hope this encourages you to try chastity if you haven’t already, or remind you of why you decided to get caged in the first place. Enjoy!

What is chastity? 

Chastity is when a willing male deliberately gives up his right to sexual pleasure with his penis. He may or may not abstain from anal pleasure, as well. 

While some men lock themselves, it is very common that they give their key to a Domme (or key holder) for safekeeping. I provide key holding services for both beginners as well as those of you that are more experienced with long-term chastity. You can send me an email to learn more about this service.

Most men that are chaste use a chastity cage: a metal, plastic, or silicone device that is held in place with a ring around the scrotum and secured with a lock or a numbered tag. This helps reduce temptation to masturbate or have sexual intercourse. Chastity cages make it nearly impossible to get an erection, and some cages have spikes to make it painful when they do get one. Other cages have a urethral plug (my favorites) and others are equipped to wear with a Prince Albert piercing. Some have an integrated anal plug. 

There are also chastity belts, but it seems they are becoming less and less common as chastity cages gain in popularity. Such a shame as they are such fashion statements!

chastity
Cages are a bit more discrete than this antique  chastity belt.

Why would someone want to have their penis locked away?  

There are many reasons that a man would want to be chaste. Some do it for religious or moral reasons, some do it to strengthen the bond with their Domme, some do it to stay more focused, to show their partner that they are willing to sacrifice, as a symbol of the relationship (much like a collar, which I’ll write about another time), to improve communication, to increase frustration, to improve orgasms when they are finally allowed, or simply for control. Each person is different and the reasons to be caged are as varied as they are. 

What benefits for the key holder? 

It’s well known that many men are only capable of thinking with one head at a time, so why not encourage them to do so with the one between their ears and not the one between their legs? Men in chastity, particularly long-term chastity, tend to be much more focused on the woman’s pleasure than uncaged men. 

When a submissive tells me that he wants to be caged long-term, that shows an incredible amount of trust in me. 

Communication improves in the relationship when the man is in chastity. It generally makes it easier for the woman to express her needs, sexual and otherwise, and the man generally is more open to suggestions both in and out of the bedroom. Because his pleasure is dependant on her decision to free him, he becomes more loyal and devoted to her pleasure. 

Medical-grade silicone chastity cage.

But for how long? 

Chastity can last a few hours or for a lifetime depending on the needs and wants of the people in question. I have some submissive that will lock themselves a few days before our session and I will then decide if they have the right to orgasm during our time together. Others arrive without a cage and we use it only during play time. Some have been locked for decades, long before we met! 

Like all aspects of a D/s relationship, the involved parties need to discuss their expectations. Perhaps he only wants to be locked for a few days and she wants to lock him permanently, or the other way around. Expressing your wants and limits clearly is imperative if you are both going to enjoy the process. 

Is chastity considered BDSM? 

While there is an element of control when someone gives their key to a key holder, chastity isn’t just for D/s relationships. There are a lot of vanilla couples that practice chastity. Again, it can strengthen the bond between partners, keep the man more focused on the woman’s pleasure, help him to stay concentrated during the day, and as a permanent reminder of the relationship. You see? It can be beneficial for even the most traditional relationships!

That said, chastity is very common in the world of BDSM. Many mistresses demand their submissive be caged permanently or at least for several days before a session. Personally, I love when my subs have been chaste for a week or so before coming to see me! I know that they’ve been thinking of me constantly leading up to our session and that’s exciting in itself. 

Metal chastity cage.

Other benefits and some recommendations

Chastity is a great option in a D/s relationship if you can’t see your Domme often. There are timed devices that she can set to open on a certain day of the week or month to give you a taste of freedom before locking you away again. 

Keeping a partner in chastity can provide a way to play games that are otherwise not possible using rewards and punishments for good or bad behaviour. 

Going into chastity is no small feat. If you’re curious to explore this practice, either alone or with a partner, I recommend trying to abstain from sexual pleasure for a few days without using a cage. How difficult was it for you? Be honest with yourself and your partner so that you don’t get turned off by the practice and decide that you never want to do it again (this is true for ALL BDSM practices and relationships in general: communication is key!). 

If you’re a total beginner to chastity cages, start by wearing it for a few hours around the house with the key in a safe place. You don’t want to have to go to the emergency room to have it taken off! Slowly increase your time in the cage over a period of a few weeks until you’re ready to try sleeping in it the first time. 

The first time you decide to sleep with the cage, be prepared for a rough night. This isn’t something you want to do the night before a big meeting with the boss. Don’t worry, it gets easier with time.

There are a lot of cages on the market and choosing the right one is imperative if you want to be locked for long periods of time. Ensure that it is made of body-safe material (stainless/surgical steel, medical grade plastic or silicone). Even if you’re just planning on wearing a cage for a few hours a month, please don’t buy it from a website like Amazon or Wish. Invest in your health and comfort and purchase one that has good reviews from a trusted website. I am happy to make recommendations if you choose to give me your key for safekeeping. 

If you don’t choose me as your key holder, please be very selective when you decide who you’re going to give it to. There are a lot of scams on the internet. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Just like when you’re choosing a Dominatrix for real-time play, do your research. Does she have a website and active social media presence? Do her kinks (not just chastity) align with yours? How much interaction with her is included in the key holding fee? Do you appreciate her style of domination (distant and cold, warm and nurturing, strict and discerning)? These are all things to take into consideration when choosing the right person. 

Above all, have fun with chastity! It can lead to wonderful things, whether you do it with yourself or with a partner. 

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If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.

Beginners BDSM Session Special

débutant bdsm

BDSM Session for Beginners with Inanna Justice

As you might already know, I love introducing beginners to BDSM. We always remember our first times: the first time we kissed someone, the first time we drove a car, our first vacation as an adult… I want to initiate more people to the wonders of this world in a safe and reassuring framework.

We will begin with a video call of 15 minutes where you can ask me anything that you would like. Want to know more about a certain practice but you’re too shy to ask someone? No problem, I have heard a lot of unusual fantasies and I will not judge you. Are you interested in meeting a kinky partner but don’t know where to look? I have tons of resources that can help you in your research. Do you just simply want to ask questions about me? I’m an open book.  Whatever you want to discuss is fine with me! The point is that you feel more comfortable when we finally meet.

I will require that you read several articles on my website before our session and will verify that you have done so before we meet. This is to ensure that our time together is as enjoyable as possible and that you’re aware of some BDSM basics that I feel are essential to having the best time possible. I find that this also reassures beginners of my commitment to safety and the well-being of my play partners.

From there, we will set a date for our session. Because this is intended to be an initiation session, I have selected some of the most requested practices for beginners. You can choose three from the list that I’ve curated:

Foot/stocking/shoe worship

Anal play

Bondage

Impact play (floggers and hand spankings)

Sensory deprivation

bdsm beginners
Like the idea of worshiping my boots and stockings?

The session lasts 1h15 minutes, which includes time for a shower at the beginning and the end of play time. We will then have a quick drink together to debrief.

As with all my sessions, there is a deposit to be paid before we schedule our video call. This is non-refundable, but if you give me at least 48 hours’ notice, I allow you to reschedule one time in the following 30 days without losing your deposit.

I am also currently requiring a COVID test for all sessions. This must be done less than 24 hours before our session time and you need to show me the results when you arrive. For those that haven’t done one, it’s not pleasant but it’s not painful. Nearly every pharmacy in my neighborhood does them without an appointment.

I hope that this encourages more people to take that very intimidating first step. I was very lucky to have some excellent people guiding me when I was a beginner in the scene, and I hope that I can be that for others. BDSM can be scary when you don’t know what to expect, but my hopes are that this program helps soothe some of those fears and helps people move on to explore all the fantastic things that we can experience in this world.

If you’re interested in scheduling this type of session, send me an email with “BDSM beginners program” in the subject line and we can plan the next steps.

Please note: this is intended for those with little or no real-life experience with a Domme. It is not a way for more experienced players to have a less expensive session with me. If I find out that you are more practiced, I will cancel our session and you will be added to the blacklist for your dishonesty. My goal is to introduce beginners to the magic of BDSM and I won’t tolerate someone taking advantage of my kindness and generosity. Thank you for your understanding on this point.

For a more intimate look at my magical world, sign up to my OnlyFans or AVN

If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.

BDSM beginners
Yes, sometimes we laugh during sessions!

BDSM Munch: What is it and what to expect

BDSM MUNCH

Do you dream about going to a gathering of 20, 30, 40 or more people where you can discuss BDSM in a safe and open-minded environment? While COVID has put a damper on group activities for the time being, it won’t be long before we can again get together with our friends. Here are a few things that you should know before attending your first munch so that you and everyone around you has the best time possible.

What’s a munch anyways?

Munches are events where you go to a café or restaurant to meet like-minded kinky people, but not to play. Generally, we eat a meal together, have a drink or two, and chit-chat. Sometimes there are activities to help break the ice and get the conversation going between participants. Most munches are open to the public, but it’s always a good idea to let the hosts know that you’re coming in advance in case there’s a restriction on the number of people in the location.

While there will be a mix of Dom(me)s and subs, there is no D/s protocol. That’s to say that, if you’re a sub, you’re not going to be running around fetching drinks for people all night long (unless you actively want to be doing so). Dom(me)s shouldn’t expect that people that are not employees of the establishment offer them service of any kind. If you’re submissive, the only thing that’s expected of you is to be courteous. Actually, that goes for both tops and bottoms!

Why go to a munch?

Munches are a great place to meet people in the community, be that to play with later or just to have some support while you’re learning more about BDSM. I always encourage my subs to attend to meet other submissives and create relationships where they can share their stories openly. Having a support network is so helpful when you’re asking questions about your sexuality and desires.

Don’t go to a munch expecting to meet your dream Domme. If she is there, casually exchange a few words to get the conversation going and see if she’s open to discussing more. Don’t be overbearing and expect that she wants to spend the evening only with you. She’s there to catch up with friends, too.

Attending a munch can be a good first step before going to a play party. Once you’ve met a few people at munches, you can ask advice about which parties are best suited for your desires, and perhaps even find a group to go with.

It can also be a good meeting spot for someone that you’ve been chatting with online. If they don’t show up for some reason, there are plenty of other people that you can talk to.

MUNCH BDMS
If you see me at a munch, I certainly won’t be dressed like this.

Rules at a munch

Most munches are open to everyone, although there are some that have specific purposes. In Paris, there is JPK (Jeunes parisiens et kinky) for people under 35. Other munches are restricted to female Dommes, others are only for submissives. Make sure that the munch that you’re going to attend is appropriate for you.

Be sure to thoroughly read the rules of the munch before you show up. Photos are generally not allowed. Not everyone is “out” about being kinky, so even if you’re tempted to snap a selfie with a hot Domme, curb your desires and keep your phone in your pocket.

Titles such as Mistress or Sir are generally discouraged at munches unless you’re already in a relationship with someone. It irks me when an unknown sub comes up to me and calls me Mistress (you can read my article on the many reasons I don’t like it). We usually have name tags with the name that we want to use during the event. If you happen to know that someone’s real name is different than the one on the name tag, please refrain from using it.

Don’t touch anyone without their permission at a munch (or anywhere, for that matter). Again, this is not a play party, it’s an opportunity to meet people and discover. Something that I love about the kink community is that we often ask each other before hugging/kissing. Not everyone has the same comfort level with physical touch, even if you might think it’s innocent.

Don’t be creepy. Don’t follow one person around all night because you find them attractive. No means no. Be aware of body language. These are general life skills, but they bear repeating.

Anonymity and discretion

It’s possible that you may run across someone you know at any of these events, but they’re there too, so don’t fret. The BDSM community is generally very discrete. Part of what we advocate for is that we’re not judged for what we do behind closed doors, so if you do bump into your cousin or your boss, chances are that they won’t be spreading gossip about where they saw you.

Most munches have a dedicated room in a restaurant where the public can’t access the event, but if that’s not the case, be discreet in your conversations. No need to be screaming about the amazing session you had the night before, divulging all the details of your naughty games.

Of course, you should keep the same thing in mind if you see someone that you know. Avoid conversations about how you know each other if you can. If it’s awkward for you, simply wave hello from across the room and avoid speaking to them if that feels like the best solution.

BDSM munch
Leave your toys at home.

General courtesy  

Be mindful that the restaurant staff is generally quite busy on Munch night. At the PariS-M munch there can be upwards of 50 or 60 people. Be patient with the staff that are there to ensure you’re having a good time. As a former restaurant worker, I can tell you that the people that complained loudly to their table neighbors got a lot less attention than those that said please and thank you a lot.

If someone is bothering you, let the organizers know right away. They are there to be helpful and ensure that everyone is respectful and having a good time. We would much rather hear about a problem on the spot rather than learning later that there was inappropriate behavior.

How to dress for a munch

If you were to wander into a munch unexpectedly, you might just think it was a company party or a class reunion. People are dressed in everyday clothes; you won’t see men on leashes and women dressed in full latex catsuits. Some submissives will be wearing their collar, but that’s about the kinkiest attire that you’ll see.

Dress as if you’re going to an evening out with friends, or perhaps a little fancier if that’s your thing. I generally wear a pretty dress and heels, my male dates usually wear a nice pair of jeans with a button up shirt and dress shoes.

Final thoughts

Try to meet both Dommes and subs while you’re there. Be open-minded and recognize that we can all learn from each other, regardless of how you identify.

Have fun! We’re just a bunch of kink-loving perverts who want to socialize. If you go into it with an open mind and keeping these tips in mind, you’ll have a great time.

For a more intimate look at my magical world, sign up to my OnlyFans or AVN

If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.

BDSM DOMINA MUNCH

Don’t Call Me Mistress (Unless I Tell You To)

Mistress

Don’t Call Me Mistress (unless I tell you to)

Don’t assume that because many Dommes enjoy being called Mistress that it is the same for all of us. As with everything, we are individuals that have our own particular likes and dislikes. Part of the reason that I write all these articles is to tell you what my personal preferences are. This, I believe, gives you a better idea of my expectations before, during, and after a session, and also for you to determine if BDSM à la Inanna is what you’re looking for.

Unlike many of my Domme sisters, I don’t particularly like when unknown subs address me as Mistress. This, along with the fact that I let some of my submissives use the informal “tu” form in French sometimes raises eyebrows in the Parisian BDSM community and beyond. Let me clear a few things up for you so that you can be better prepared when you contact me.

A title means little if it’s not earned. How many times am I contacted by people I have never exchanged with who start their email with “Hello My Mistress.” I am certainly not yours, and we have never so much as spoken on the telephone when you decide that I am to be the one you want to submit to. It just doesn’t sit right with me.

While I am perfectly aware that many of you have been conditioned to use it, if we do not have an ongoing D/s relationship, I am not your Mistress. I am a professional Domme that you are contacting to possibly session with (if, of course, your candidature pleases me).

THE LINGUISTITICS OF MISTRESS

Linguist by training, the sound of a word and how it rolls off the tongue is important to me. Mistress (and even worse, Maîtresse in French) doesn’t appeal to my ears. Too many S sounds strung together makes it sound like someone is hissing at me, which actually sometimes seems to be the case. “Mistress, I…” is all too often followed by some weak, generic complaint or, even more common, a misplaced request.

In addition, Mistress has multiple meanings and not all positive ones. When we talk about someone’s mistress, we are usually referring to the lover of a married/partnered man. She is the “other woman” and generally seen as a home-wrecker. There is also something mildly sexist about the term, as she “belongs” to the man in question. Hard for me to define this more precisely, but it just sits wrong with me.

You are not showing respect simply by using the a certain word (or with the “vous” form in French). Respect is shown through actions, loyalty, dedication, and sacrifice. This does not happen through your choice of vocabulary. It takes time, effort, and a whole lot of energy. Yes, I understand that many of you feel that it’s a sign of respect, and I don’t disagree, but as the saying goes “show, don’t tell.”

So what should you call me? Madame is my preference. Madam, Miss or Ms. Justice are all fine, as well. Even simply Inanna works fine. I love my name and all that it stands for (I invite you to read about the Goddess Inanna). You are welcome to use it. Just don’t call me Mistress if I haven’t ordered you to do so.

Written in collaboration with FFFBuzz.com

Go to their website for articles on a huge range of subjects related to FemDom, BDSM and kink.

FIRST choice Female led destination for all to safely explore, browse & learn about their innermost fetish fantasies. The future is female? No... The Now Is Female

If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.

For a more intimate look at my magical world, sign up to my OnlyFans or AVN

Mistress maitresse
Inanna Justice in Paris.

Even Dommes Do Laundry: Dispelling Common Misconceptions

Even Dommes Do Laundry: Dispelling Some Common Misconceptions About Dommes

People seem to think that I live in an alternate reality where I don’t need to wait in line at the post office when I have to ship a package off. Others think that I wake up dressed in leather and lace, my hair perfectly done, dark red lipstick already applied. Others still think that we have men doing all the things that we don’t enjoy doing. Believe it or not, your favorite Goddess also puts her pants on one leg at a time.

Some Dommes love to cook, but not necessarily wearing this.

Service slaves

Likely the most common misconception about Domme is that we are constantly surrounded by men taking care of all the menial tasks of the day. The vast majority of us don’t have full-time service slaves, although there is no shortage of offers.

Having a service sub usually takes more time and energy than doing something myself. Of course, my loyal submissives may run an errand or two for me once in a while, but I would much rather clean the bathroom myself than have to spend time looking over the shoulder of someone making sure that they are doing it up to my standards. Plus, many house subs will intentionally make mistakes to get attention (even if it’s not positive).

I do have two live-in slaves: Jean-Phi (my dish washing machine) and Jean-Henri (my washing machine). Beyond that, I have no desire to have a full-time a house slave.

We’re making tons of money

While the hourly rate to meet a pro Domme can be upwards of several hundred dollars per hour, this is not a job where we can do sessions 40 or more hours a week. While most full-time professional Dommes put in well over 40 hours per week, most of that time is spent on communication, marketing, doing photo shoots, editing videos, responding to emails, or perhaps writing articles. Most of the women that I know have a sweet spot of about 3-4 sessions per week. More than that and it tends to be physically and emotionally challenging, especially for those of us who put our heart and soul into our sessions.

Like with any business, we also have overhead costs. Outfits and quality equipment are expensive, then we have dungeon space, cleaning products, website hosting, advertising, photo shoots and many more “invisible” costs.

We don’t have down days

Anther misconception about Dommes is that we are always at 100%. We are humans. While publicly we show only our best qualities, our strength, and our power, we also have days that we feel down. Some of us suffer from mental or physical health problems. We have family and relationship issues. A lot of us juggle another job in addition to this one. Sometimes we’re tired or frustrated or lonely or sad. That does not make us weak, it makes us human.

misconceptions about professional domme
Even the strongest women can have moments when they don’t feel at the top of their game.

Lifestyle vs. sessions

Even if we live the lifestyle 24/7, that doesn’t mean that we’re always in session. There is a big difference between how I am with the submissives that are near and dear to me and how I am with a client that is coming for a couple of hours of play. My “lifestyle” partners have the privilege of eating dinner with me, seeing me in yoga pants, and going for a stroll in the park. More importantly, they don’t expect me to be 100% focused on play, even if I integrate it into our routine.

When I’m done with an intense paid session, I don’t necessarily want to tie my partner up and torture them. Well, actually, sometimes I do, but it’s a very different dynamic than the relationship that I have with my clients! With clients, I have to be 100% on my game, focused, on point, with my non-client play partners, I show up in jeans and a t-shirt, hair in a ponytail and without makeup.

We’re always on top

While many of us are in female-led relationships (FLR), it’s not the case for all pro Dommes. Some of us are in vanilla relationships, some of us are asexual, some of us are polyamorous. Some of us only like controlling our partners “in the dungeon” and prefer a different role in our daily lives. We are unique individuals and our relationships outside of our jobs reflect that. Don’t assume that because a woman has chosen to work as a professional Dominatrix, she enjoys the same power when she’s not working.

We wouldn’t do it if we didn’t get paid

Most pro Dommes love BDSM and we would absolutely practice if we weren’t paid, just statistically not with you. This isn’t meant to sound (too) bitchy, but it’s the truth. Dominant women are highly sought-after. It’s the reason that some of us have made a successful career out of it. Many of us started out “just for fun,” and one day the light came on and we realized that we were so in-demand that we could charge for our extensive skills.

When a Domme goes to a party, there’s 20 boys lined up and begging for attention. We have a wide variety of choices literally at our feet. Unless you look like Ryan Gosling and like heavy pain play, I’m probably not going to choose you. Why? Because that guy is likely in the room and I’m going to choose him.

We don’t enjoy “normal” things

Generally speaking, we live exciting, fast-paced lifestyles. We regularly attend kinky events, we organize elaborate sessions that could literally kill our partners if not executed properly, we thrive on adrenaline and excitement… but we also appreciate like (and need) down time. We appreciate those calm moments at home cooking a nice meal, playing board games, or just zoning out on Netflix.

common misconceptions professional domme
A quiet day reading is sometimes just what we need.

Don’t forget that your Domme is a person. While she certainly deserves to be placed on a pedestal before you, it’s important to remember that a pedestal can be a very narrow platform to stand upon. Be careful with common misconceptions about professional Domme when she’s not in session.

common misconceptions professional domme
Inanna Justice in Paris.

Written in collaboration with FFFBuzz.com

Go to their website for articles on a huge range of subjects related to FemDom, BDSM and kink.

FIRST choice Female led destination for all to safely explore, browse & learn about their innermost fetish fantasies. The future is female? No... The Now Is Female

 

If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.