How to Find the (Lifestyle) Domme of Your Dreams 

What does “lifestyle” Domme mean? 

A lifestyle Domme is someone that engages in BDSM play without asking for payment. A professional Domme, as the name implies, is someone that provides access to her time in exchange for payment. Many, if not most, pro-Dommes also have play partners outside paid sessions, but we tend to be really selective as our kink time and energy is often reserved for our work. As much as we may enjoy our job (and I absolutely adore it), we don’t always want to be responsible for taking care of our submissives when we’re not being financially compensated for it.

As you may know, I am both a lifestyle and professional Dominatrix. Booking a session with me is relatively easy assuming you follow my booking protocol and have similar kinks, but becoming one of my pro bono subs is much more challenging. All of my lifestyle submissives started out as clients: it was over time that I/we decided to pursue a relationship beyond a professional one.

There are advantages and disadvantages to lifestyle vs. a pro-Domme experience, and you should probably evaluate which suits you better. You can read my article on why it’s fabulous to visit a pro Domme. With a quality professional Dominatrix, you get to have a tailor-made, high-end session complete with super sassy outfits and fabulous gear, but there will certainly be much less social time (SMS, emails, coffee together…). She’s paid because of her skills, equipment, training, and expertise… and that when you’re with her, she’s 100% on her game and in tune with you.

Pro-Dommes tend to be quite strict with our time and aside from a quick drink before and/or after a session, we’re not going to spend a lot of time with you. This can be a big upside if you are also a busy person that wants to get your kink on for a few hours, then go back to reality and your everyday obligations afterward.

With a lifestyle Domme, there will likely be a lot more communication between sessions, but you have to (gasp!) deal with the whole woman. She may not always have the energy to give you what you desire and may not always be at the top of her game, even when you’ve scheduled playtime. One day, she may be in the mood to give you a bunch of tasks, then perhaps she’ll be too busy or preoccupied to think about BDSM. Pro-Dommes generally have scheduled hours like any other business, and we are in the right mindset to conduct sessions. A lifestyle Domme probably has a “regular” job, and when she comes home after a long day, may be tired and needs to take care of her family or other obligations before thinking about getting kinky.

While most professionals have a wide range of practices, many lifestyle Dommes may be a bit more limited in what they want to do or what they are trained to do. Is cross-dressing your thing? Well, not all women enjoy it. Maybe heavy bondage is what you want. Not all women are into it (and perhaps not equipped). Professionals certainly have favorite practices (look at our websites to see what we prefer), but because we have a wide range of clients with various desires, we have learned to find joy in many practices.

After taking these things into consideration, you are still convinced that you want to find a lifestyle Domme. Here are a few tips to help you along the way.

Attend Events 

Most lifestyle Dommes aren’t spending their time on social media searching for submissives. They do, however, often go to munches and play parties. If you want to increase your chances of finding a dominant play partner, I highly recommend that you start attending events. The more people that you interact with, the higher your chances of finding someone.

As I’ve said elsewhere, when you go to events, don’t just focus on meeting Dommes. Talk with other subs, talk with switches, talk with everybody. Maybe someone has a friend that could be the perfect fit for you.

Kinky Dating Apps

Kinky dating apps are an option, although I feel that I should warn you that there are a lot of fakes that are posing as someone that they are not. If you hit it off with someone on one of these apps, I recommend setting up a video meeting early on in your exchanges. This can help weed out the fakes.

Personalize Messages 

If you are cruising the internet in hopes of finding someone, don’t send us copy-paste messages. They go directly into the trash. Take the time to thoroughly read her profile, comment on a few things that she’s written or posted, and you’ll have much better luck.

Dommes are flooded with messages on a regular basis. Stand out from the others and show that you’ve already invested a few minutes into constructing a short message specifically for her. Please refrain from writing too much!

When you write to her, tell her how you think you could improve her life and don’t just babble on about yourself and your interests. There are few things more annoying than someone who gives a checklist of all the things they want without taking the time to consider what I want.

Don’t Contact Professional Dommes 

If you’re looking for a lifestyle Dominatrix, don’t contact professionals! We are inundated with emails and messages from subs looking to serve, and it isn’t very pleasant. Would you ask a barber to cut your hair for free? Would you ask a therapist for a free session? For some reason, when it comes to sexuality and kink, a lot of people (especially men) feel like they are entitled to have it how they want, when they want, and with whom they want. Don’t be that guy.

Don’t Insist 

If she says no, don’t push the subject. This is a good thing to keep in mind throughout any interactions with others, especially when we’re talking about sex/sexuality. Consent is one of the pillars of any relationship, and if you don’t understand that, you need to read up on it. If you get pushy, at best she’s going to block you, at worse, you could be reported for cyber harassment. Do you really believe that being pushy with a Domme is going to be a positive reflection of you?

Define Your Needs

What does your dream Domme look like? I’m not talking about physical appearances here! Is she kind and nurturing, or a standoffish ice queen? Is she into humiliation, or does she have a more loving approach? Are you more interested in an online relationship, or do you need hands-on play on a regular basis? Ideally, how often do you want to engage in BDSM activities? How much time do you have to devote to her needs? Once you’ve figured out what you want and what’s realistic for you, it will be easier to focus on women that embody those characteristics.

Invest 

This piece is about finding a lifestyle Domme, but I think that this is an important thing to touch on. If you’ve had your eye on a specific lady for some time but don’t know how to approach her, one good way is by sending her a small gift off of her wishlist. (Even most lifestyle Dommes have a wishlist so that her subs can send things that she likes.) Depending on your budget, this can be something simple like a book or more elaborate like a spa day. When you send the gift (or gift card), say something like “I’ve been following you for some time and really appreciate *XYZ* about you. I would love to have the opportunity to chat with you one day.” You’re going to have much better luck if you do this, I promise!

I understand that many of you aren’t in a position to be sending gifts to lots of women in hopes of a phone call or Zoom. I’m not at all encouraging you to do this with every Domme that strikes your fancy, but it certainly makes a lovely first impression and shows that you understand that she likely has lots of requests in her inbox.

Patience is a Virtue 

It is not easy to find a dominant woman for a long-term relationship. Let’s be honest: it’s hard to find a good partner for any long-term relationship, even for vanilla folks! If you accept that it is going to take time, effort, and energy, you will have a much more pleasant time with the process. If you think that sending off a few messages via FetLife is going to get you whisked away by a gorgeous lady, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

There’s No Magic Formula

If you follow these tips, it will help you along the way, but there’s no easy route to finding a Dominatrix. Go into the process with an open mind and try not to get frustrated along the way.

Have fun, stay safe, and keep it kinky.

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Inanna Justice, Paris Dominatrix