People seem to think that I live in an alternate reality where I don’t need to wait in line at the post office when I have to ship a package off. Others think that I wake up dressed in leather and lace, my hair perfectly done, dark red lipstick already applied. Others still think that we have men doing all the things that we don’t enjoy doing. Believe it or not, your favorite Goddess also puts her pants on one leg at a time.
Likely the most common misconception about Domme is that we are constantly surrounded by men taking care of all the menial tasks of the day. The vast majority of us don’t have full-time service slaves, although there is no shortage of offers.
Having a service sub usually takes more time and energy than doing something myself. Of course, my loyal submissives may run an errand or two for me once in a while, but I would much rather clean the bathroom myself than have to spend time looking over the shoulder of someone making sure that they are doing it up to my standards. Plus, many house subs will intentionally make mistakes to get attention (even if it’s not positive).
I do have two live-in slaves: Jean-Phi (my dish washing machine) and Jean-Henri (my washing machine). Beyond that, I have no desire to have a full-time a house slave.
We’re making tons of money
While the hourly rate to meet a pro Domme can be upwards of several hundred dollars per hour, this is not a job where we can do sessions 40 or more hours a week. While most full-time professional Dommes put in well over 40 hours per week, most of that time is spent on communication, marketing, doing photo shoots, editing videos, responding to emails, or perhaps writing articles. Most of the women that I know have a sweet spot of about 3-4 sessions per week. More than that and it tends to be physically and emotionally challenging, especially for those of us who put our heart and soul into our sessions.
Like with any business, we also have overhead costs. Outfits and quality equipment are expensive, then we have dungeon space, cleaning products, website hosting, advertising, photo shoots and many more “invisible” costs.
We don’t have down days
Anther misconception about Dommes is that we are always at 100%. We are humans. While publicly we show only our best qualities, our strength, and our power, we also have days that we feel down. Some of us suffer from mental or physical health problems. We have family and relationship issues. A lot of us juggle another job in addition to this one. Sometimes we’re tired or frustrated or lonely or sad. That does not make us weak, it makes us human.
Lifestyle vs. sessions
Even if we live the lifestyle 24/7, that doesn’t mean that we’re always in session. There is a big difference between how I am with the submissives that are near and dear to me and how I am with a client that is coming for a couple of hours of play. My “lifestyle” partners have the privilege of eating dinner with me, seeing me in yoga pants, and going for a stroll in the park. More importantly, they don’t expect me to be 100% focused on play, even if I integrate it into our routine.
When I’m done with an intense paid session, I don’t necessarily want to tie my partner up and torture them. Well, actually, sometimes I do, but it’s a very different dynamic than the relationship that I have with my clients! With clients, I have to be 100% on my game, focused, on point, with my non-client play partners, I show up in jeans and a t-shirt, hair in a ponytail and without makeup.
We’re always on top
While many of us are in female-led relationships (FLR), it’s not the case for all pro Dommes. Some of us are in vanilla relationships, some of us are asexual, some of us are polyamorous. Some of us only like controlling our partners “in the dungeon” and prefer a different role in our daily lives. We are unique individuals and our relationships outside of our jobs reflect that. Don’t assume that because a woman has chosen to work as a professional Dominatrix, she enjoys the same power when she’s not working.
We wouldn’t do it if we didn’t get paid
Most pro Dommes love BDSM and we would absolutely practice if we weren’t paid, just statistically not with you. This isn’t meant to sound (too) bitchy, but it’s the truth. Dominant women are highly sought-after. It’s the reason that some of us have made a successful career out of it. Many of us started out “just for fun,” and one day the light came on and we realized that we were so in-demand that we could charge for our extensive skills.
When a Domme goes to a party, there’s 20 boys lined up and begging for attention. We have a wide variety of choices literally at our feet. Unless you look like Ryan Gosling and like heavy pain play, I’m probably not going to choose you. Why? Because that guy is likely in the room and I’m going to choose him.
We don’t enjoy “normal” things
Generally speaking, we live exciting, fast-paced lifestyles. We regularly attend kinky events, we organize elaborate sessions that could literally kill our partners if not executed properly, we thrive on adrenaline and excitement… but we also appreciate like (and need) down time. We appreciate those calm moments at home cooking a nice meal, playing board games, or just zoning out on Netflix.
Don’t forget that your Domme is a person. While she certainly deserves to be placed on a pedestal before you, it’s important to remember that a pedestal can be a very narrow platform to stand upon. Be careful with common misconceptions about professional Domme when she’s not in session.