Chastity basics

chastity

Chastity basics

This article is focused on male chastity as I have no personal experience with keeping a cis-female submissive in chastity. I will use he/him pronouns for simplicity, although some of my subs  identify otherwise during play. 

As with all of my articles, this just scratches the surface of the subject. Like all sexual practices and relationships, there are many nuances. I hope this encourages you to try chastity if you haven’t already, or remind you of why you decided to get caged in the first place. Enjoy!

What is chastity? 

Chastity is when a willing male deliberately gives up his right to sexual pleasure with his penis. He may or may not abstain from anal pleasure, as well. 

While some men lock themselves, it is very common that they give their key to a Domme (or key holder) for safekeeping. I provide key holding services for both beginners as well as those of you that are more experienced with long-term chastity. You can send me an email to learn more about this service.

Most men that are chaste use a chastity cage: a metal, plastic, or silicone device that is held in place with a ring around the scrotum and secured with a lock or a numbered tag. This helps reduce temptation to masturbate or have sexual intercourse. Chastity cages make it nearly impossible to get an erection, and some cages have spikes to make it painful when they do get one. Other cages have a urethral plug (my favorites) and others are equipped to wear with a Prince Albert piercing. Some have an integrated anal plug. 

There are also chastity belts, but it seems they are becoming less and less common as chastity cages gain in popularity. Such a shame as they are such fashion statements!

chastity
Cages are a bit more discrete than this antique  chastity belt.

Why would someone want to have their penis locked away?  

There are many reasons that a man would want to be chaste. Some do it for religious or moral reasons, some do it to strengthen the bond with their Domme, some do it to stay more focused, to show their partner that they are willing to sacrifice, as a symbol of the relationship (much like a collar, which I’ll write about another time), to improve communication, to increase frustration, to improve orgasms when they are finally allowed, or simply for control. Each person is different and the reasons to be caged are as varied as they are. 

What benefits for the key holder? 

It’s well known that many men are only capable of thinking with one head at a time, so why not encourage them to do so with the one between their ears and not the one between their legs? Men in chastity, particularly long-term chastity, tend to be much more focused on the woman’s pleasure than uncaged men. 

When a submissive tells me that he wants to be caged long-term, that shows an incredible amount of trust in me. 

Communication improves in the relationship when the man is in chastity. It generally makes it easier for the woman to express her needs, sexual and otherwise, and the man generally is more open to suggestions both in and out of the bedroom. Because his pleasure is dependant on her decision to free him, he becomes more loyal and devoted to her pleasure. 

Medical-grade silicone chastity cage.

But for how long? 

Chastity can last a few hours or for a lifetime depending on the needs and wants of the people in question. I have some submissive that will lock themselves a few days before our session and I will then decide if they have the right to orgasm during our time together. Others arrive without a cage and we use it only during play time. Some have been locked for decades, long before we met! 

Like all aspects of a D/s relationship, the involved parties need to discuss their expectations. Perhaps he only wants to be locked for a few days and she wants to lock him permanently, or the other way around. Expressing your wants and limits clearly is imperative if you are both going to enjoy the process. 

Is chastity considered BDSM? 

While there is an element of control when someone gives their key to a key holder, chastity isn’t just for D/s relationships. There are a lot of vanilla couples that practice chastity. Again, it can strengthen the bond between partners, keep the man more focused on the woman’s pleasure, help him to stay concentrated during the day, and as a permanent reminder of the relationship. You see? It can be beneficial for even the most traditional relationships!

That said, chastity is very common in the world of BDSM. Many mistresses demand their submissive be caged permanently or at least for several days before a session. Personally, I love when my subs have been chaste for a week or so before coming to see me! I know that they’ve been thinking of me constantly leading up to our session and that’s exciting in itself. 

Metal chastity cage.

Other benefits and some recommendations

Chastity is a great option in a D/s relationship if you can’t see your Domme often. There are timed devices that she can set to open on a certain day of the week or month to give you a taste of freedom before locking you away again. 

Keeping a partner in chastity can provide a way to play games that are otherwise not possible using rewards and punishments for good or bad behaviour. 

Going into chastity is no small feat. If you’re curious to explore this practice, either alone or with a partner, I recommend trying to abstain from sexual pleasure for a few days without using a cage. How difficult was it for you? Be honest with yourself and your partner so that you don’t get turned off by the practice and decide that you never want to do it again (this is true for ALL BDSM practices and relationships in general: communication is key!). 

If you’re a total beginner to chastity cages, start by wearing it for a few hours around the house with the key in a safe place. You don’t want to have to go to the emergency room to have it taken off! Slowly increase your time in the cage over a period of a few weeks until you’re ready to try sleeping in it the first time. 

The first time you decide to sleep with the cage, be prepared for a rough night. This isn’t something you want to do the night before a big meeting with the boss. Don’t worry, it gets easier with time.

There are a lot of cages on the market and choosing the right one is imperative if you want to be locked for long periods of time. Ensure that it is made of body-safe material (stainless/surgical steel, medical grade plastic or silicone). Even if you’re just planning on wearing a cage for a few hours a month, please don’t buy it from a website like Amazon or Wish. Invest in your health and comfort and purchase one that has good reviews from a trusted website. I am happy to make recommendations if you choose to give me your key for safekeeping. 

If you don’t choose me as your key holder, please be very selective when you decide who you’re going to give it to. There are a lot of scams on the internet. If it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Just like when you’re choosing a Dominatrix for real-time play, do your research. Does she have a website and active social media presence? Do her kinks (not just chastity) align with yours? How much interaction with her is included in the key holding fee? Do you appreciate her style of domination (distant and cold, warm and nurturing, strict and discerning)? These are all things to take into consideration when choosing the right person. 

Above all, have fun with chastity! It can lead to wonderful things, whether you do it with yourself or with a partner. 

For a more intimate look at my magical world, sign up to my OnlyFans or AVN

If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.

Massage and Happy Endings

massage happy endings

happy endings at a Massage Parlor

A few nights ago, while waiting for my lover to arrive, I decided to get a little massage to kill time. The neighborhood where they live has tons of massage parlors and I had had a long day spanking booties. What better than to lay back for a little while and let someone massage my tired shoulders and aching feet?

I choose a random shop and ring the bell. A pretty young Asian woman opens the door and asks me what I want.

“Oh, just a 30 minute massage to relax a bit,” I respond.

“Come in. Would you like a cup of tea,” she offers.

“Thank you, that would be great.”

She asks me to follow her down a narrow staircase. The place is a bit seedy, in need of a fresh coat of paint, but very clean. I see a bottle of the same disinfectant that I use in my studio on a counter in the hall, a stack of freshly washed towels, slightly worn but ironed sheets in a basket.

She leads me into a small room equipped with a mat on the floor and asks me to undress and drink my tea. I comply.

massage happy endings

As I settle in, I take in the surroundings: a small Buddha statue in one corner with a candle and a few sticks of incense sitting as his feet as an offering. I’ve always appreciated that tradition of some cultures where there is a daily ritual of presenting some sort of gift to their god/dess.

There is a bottle of hydro-alcoholic gel and a box of masks sitting on a low table, the ever-present items during this period where we must be so diligent due to a strange virus that has taken the world by surprise. There is also a large bottle of massage oil and an essential oil diffuser that emits soft clouds of lightly perfumed steam. On a lower shelf, there are a few folded hand towels and a box of disposable gloves.

I finish my tea and begin to undress. The walls are covered in a dark patterned wallpaper and there is a painting of Buddha. I fold my clothes, place them in a corner and lie face down on the mat. I can already feel my breathing becoming deeper as I settle in.

The young woman knocks softly on the door and comes in, checking that I’m warm enough then begins to massage my feet. For my foot fetishists, you know how much I appreciate a good foot massage and this lady is excellent. She slowly works her way up my calves, thighs and back, alternating between deep, intense strokes and more delicate caresses. I occasionally emit a soft sigh of pleasure as I drift in and out of a semi-sleep state.

After a few minutes, she asks me to turn over and begins the process on the other side, starting at my feet and slowly working her way up my body. As she reaches the place where my legs join my torso, I feel her expert hands exploring near my sex. I open my eyes and she asks if I would like her to continue to concentrate on that area.

“Sure,” I say. What better way to really relax than a quick orgasm, I think to myself.

“It’s 20€ extra,” she says.

“Yes, no problem.”

She takes a glove from the box, expertly slips it on and starts to focus on that area that is the source of so much pleasure. I quickly orgasm, excited by the situation as much as the physical stimulation. She removes the glove and continues to massage my torso, breasts, chest and finally my head.

After, we chat a bit and she asks me what I do for a living. I tell her that I’m a sex worker, as well, but she doesn’t quite grasp the concept of what a Domme does. Between the language barrier that exists between us (she has a minimal knowledge of French and English and I don’t know a word of Thai) and it generally being a difficult idea for people to understand if they’re not in the lifestyle, it’s not easy to explain. Despite this, she giggles as she grasps the idea that I, too, see a lot of naked men who are looking to escape from their daily routine for a few minutes to find pleasure.

She leaves the room and I get dressed, leaving a €50 bill on the table. I imagine that the extra €30 will be appreciated. I know it always is when one of my clients does the same.

I go upstairs, bid her goodnight and thank her for the massage.

“It was a pleasure to massage a colleague,” she says. “Please come back soon.”

Two happy endings to this story: my orgasm and creating a bond with a colleague, even if it was only for a few minutes.

For a more intimate look at my magical world, sign up to my OnlyFans or AVN

If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can also follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.

Trains, planes and automobiles: sex on the go

SEX on the go

Trains, planes and automobiles: sex on the go

I’m currently riding in the back seat of a small van filled with a few kinky friends, taking a much-needed quick trip out of Paris after our second lockdown. The demographics of our small group are as follows: two sex workers, two erotic photographers, four of us are bi- or pan-sexual, most of us are polyamorous, and all of us are active in the “sexually enlightened” community in Paris, leaders of various associations or events, working to promote healthier and safer sex for all.

Needless to say, the conversation is about sex, sex and more sex. Ok, there are a few variations on the theme: we also discuss sexual orientation, BDSM, policies and politics that affect us as sexually liberated individuals.. Yeah, when I’m with my close friends, we talk about sex a lot!

This isn’t my first time traveling with some of them, and stories of prior road trips together start coming out. My friend Daniel tells the story of one trip we took together a few years ago where, not even fifteen minutes after leaving Paris, I already had pulled a couple of sex toys out of my bag and started using them on myself and our lovely travel companion.

I recall another time with Daniel where we decide that it would be fun for the ladies in the car to flash the truck drivers along the way to a weekend of BDSM fun (yeah, we know how to pre funk). I don’t recall how many truckers we showed our tits to, but we certainly got a lot of smiles and honks of appreciation.

Ines tells the story of when she and Sofiane were flying to Italy and he starts fingering her in the cabin, using the menu to cover his hands as they slip under her dress. Apparently an airline steward came by and asked them what they wanted to order. I can just imagine sweet Ines blushing when getting caught, and the wickedly sexy Sofiane continuing to pleasure her despite her sweet (but insincere) pleas to stop.

While traveling to Japan, Patrice’s girlfriend unexpectedly went down on him while he was playing with his camera, making last minute adjustments to his settings before landing. He said that he was so taken aback that he allowed her to continue for a few moments before realizing that there could be serious repercussions.

Of course, I have lots of stories of my own. The time an intercity train stopped to throw me and my lover off between stops because I was giving them head (the wagon was empty, we were surely caught on video). Another train trip when a kinky young man offered me a coffee and we finished in the bathroom. I got hot and heavy with a beautiful brunette on a boat. I’ve masturbated on an airplane countless times and who knows how often I’ve gotten down and dirty on the highway…

So why is it that we’re so drawn to sex-on-the-go? Is it due to our busy lifestyles, that we so rarely slow down that sex in vehicles is so popular? Is it because many of us like the possibility of getting caught? Is it the movement of the vehicle that vibrates our most intimate parts and gets us riled up? Who knows, but don’t be surprised if one day you’re on a plane and you see me coming out of the bathroom with my hair a bit messy, my eyes twinkling, and a little smile tugging on the corners of my mouth.

If you enjoy my articles, share them on social media! You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.

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Humiliation and Degradation: an introduction

humiliation degradation introduction

Humiliation and Degradation: an introduction

Why are we so turned on when we call someone our slut, our bitch, our pet, our pig? Why does it turn us on to be called these names? Why do we seek out humiliating experiences in our sexual exchanges? Like with all aspects of sexuality, there is no single answer that is true for everyone, but here are a few basics about humiliation in an erotic context.

Something to keep in mind is that each person is very different, and limits must be negotiated before playing. What one person may find exciting, another won’t enjoy at all. There is no single activity that you can do that will suit every partner and nearly any activity can be humiliating depending on the context.

humiliation degradation introduction
On your knees!

Humiliation vs. Degradation

Humiliation is something that causes embarrassment through verbal or physical means. This can range from the tame, such as wearing an item of clothing that draws attention of those around you, to the more extreme, such as shaving off all body hair, eyebrows included. Generally speaking, one needs an audience in order to feel humiliated: if you are dressed in a way that may cause embarrassment but nobody is there to see you (and to make fun of you), the effect won’t be the same.

Humiliation and degradation are very based in psychology. If my sub doesn’t find wearing a diaper shameful at its’ core, I’m going to become very frustrated if I slap one on him hoping to embarrass him. Cultural context is also important. Being an expatriate, I have learned that there are differences in what (many) French subs find off-putting versus what (many) American subs find humbling.

Some common humiliating activities include SPH (small penis humiliation), boot-licking (which in this context is different than fetishism), eating out of a dog dish, toilet play, or mocking someone while they masturbate, but the list is truly endless. The key is finding something that the submissive feels is humiliating. It could be so simple as making them buy condoms, lube and a cucumber at the grocery store. Each person has things that make them shudder, the fun is finding that soft spot and playing with it.

I love going out to eat with my submissives, who are mostly male-identifying, and making them wear lipstick. I will often choose what they will eat and order for them, and make sly remarks to the server throughout the meal (taking into consideration that other people are not necessarily willing participants). I’ll drop my napkin on the ground several times, making him pick it up (all the better if he has to get up from his seat to do so).

I will pay the bill, saying something like “I don’t let him control the money, he’s completely irresponsible with it.” My partner and I know what’s going on, but I’m not going to violate the limits of someone who isn’t in on our game.

For me, there is a certain playfulness in humiliation, where as with degradation, the stakes are higher. Humiliation tends to be more general and less personal, based on common fears while degradation is more personal.

In the context of BDSM, degradation can be defined as the wearing down of a persons self-esteem to a point where they feel totally exposed and defenseless.

An example of degradation play would be when I’m at the aforementioned meal with a sub and he spills something on himself. I could start calling him names to bring him down. “You don’t deserve to be taken out of the house. I don’t know why I waste my time with you. I know five year-olds that have better manners than you. You’re a filthy pig. Now you’re going to eat like the little pig that you are: on the floor.”

While I wouldn’t make them eat on the floor at the restaurant, if I am at home and this happens, my sub will indeed eat off the floor. I might tell them that they can’t speak, only make grunting piggy noises. They have lost their status as a human.

humiliation degradation
Licking dirty feet is one common form of humiliation.

Why do we like humiliation and degradation?

In general, we are drawn to these practices because they are subversive and destabilizing. The submissive ‘surrenders’ the Dominants insults. As with many BDSM practices, this is extremely liberating for the submissive. When we give control to the other, we feel more free. It also allows us to put aside societal expectations and to embrace things that scare us. We are able to confront and reject the the norms of everyday life. Playing with taboos is exciting, particularly when it’s in a judgment-free and safe setting.

It also requires high levels of trust to ask someone to humiliate or degrade you. As a dominant, we need our submissive to be 100% honest with us. From the submissives standpoint, they put their emotions entirely in the hands of the dominant. This creates a deep connection and profound intimacy between the participants.

There is also a physical aspect that is linked to sexuality. When we are embarrassed, our heart rate increases, we get sweaty and nervous, and we are unable to focus. These are the same physiological responses that we have before having sex with someone for the first time.

From a dominants perspective, humiliation and degradation are exciting as people trust us to take control of their insecurities, to “force” them to confront things that are uncomfortable outside of the framework of BDSM. We are responsible for the well-being of our partners, and these practices allow us to delve deep into the psyche.

Setting limits

When doing humiliation and degradation play, it’s important to set time limits. For example, only allowing your dominant to humiliate you during dinner on Thursday nights. You should also prepare to take enough time to process afterwards. Again, psychology intense play can have some serious negative effects if not managed properly. The marks from a whip or a cane will disappear in a few days. Emotional wounds are often much harder to heal if things go wrong.

As always, communicating with your partner is key. Discuss the words and terms that turn you on and those that turn you off (or have no effect). Don’t make assumptions that your partner will find the same things exciting that you do.

Be safe, have fun, and keep it kinky!

If you enjoy my articles, feel free to share them on social media. You can also follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.

BDSM relationships and classic s-type roles

fetish bdsm

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BDSM RELATIONSHIPS and classic s-type roles

BDSM is full of various s-types. What’s an s-type? I’m glad you asked.

In BDSM relationships, the dominant person (or top) is the one that takes the power, authority, or control. This authority is of course always with the consent of all parties involved. The power exchange can last a few minutes or a lifetime, depending on the participants.

The other person is not necessarily submissive, but we refer to them as s-types or bottoms. This can include slaves, fetishists, masochists, sissies, cross dressers, brats, pets, kinksters, littles, kajirus, toys and many more. Sometimes there is overlap between them, which I’ll explain a little later, but let me start by giving a quick definition of the most common bottoms.

Submissives

A submissive is someone that consensually gives up power to another person. This person agrees to relinquish control in a scene or in a relationship. This can mean anything from letting the dominant choose what the submissive will wear to completely controlling all aspects of their life including but not limited to food, physical activity, or finances. Again, this is always done consensually! The dominant is thought of as a sort of coach, there to help the submissive achieve the goals that they have decided on together.

These objectives are not limited to becoming a more submissive person. For example, if a sub wants to tone up his body, I will propose a workout routine for him. If he completes the tasks, he gets rewarded (this can be as simple as a ‘good boy‘). If he doesn’t, there are consequences for his actions. Contrary to mainstream belief, not all submissives are masochists. Some are service-oriented and simply want to clean the house for the lady. Others prefer to contribute to the financial well-being of their Domme.

Slaves

Generally speaking, a slave is a submissive that has given up their right to negotiate with the dominant. We call this consensual non-consent. A slave makes an initial decision to serve their Master or Mistress, then completely relinquishes control. This often means that there is no safe word to stop a scene, nor is negotiation possible when the dominant decides something either inside or outside of the dungeon.

While a submissive has rights in a D/s relationship, a slave generally does not. They essentially become the property of their Dominant, and the Domme can do as they like with the slave. Please note that this is quite extreme and rare, even in long-term BDSM relationships. Prior to becoming a slave, a submissive generally has to serve the dominant for a long time to prove that they are mentally sound to relinquish their control.

Fetish Mistress
Fetishes go well beyond shoes.

Fetishists

Fetishists are those that have a fixation on a certain object. Quite often, they are not submissive but their object of adoration is vital for them to feel sexually satisfied. Some believe that fetishists don’t fall into the D/s spectrum, but there are lots of fetishists that find what they’re looking for within the framework of BDSM.

We commonly think of foot or shoe fetishists, and they are quite common, but there are other types of fetishists, as well. It could be a fetish for scarves, for certain types of material (often leather, vinyl and latex, but not certainly not exclusively), for freshly painted fingernails, for dirty socks, for redheads… I have one fetishist in my stable and I joke that I only exist from the knees down (he is a latex and foot fetishist). He is not at all submissive, but he needs to touch my latex-clad feet to feel sexually satisfied.

BDSM roles relationships
Does being tied up here excite you?

Masochists

Masochists are those that research pleasure through pain. When we think of the stereotypical scene of a leather-clad woman whipping her partner, that guy is probably a masochist. Many of the hard-core masochists that I know are not submissive, despite their need to be humiliated and degraded, either physically or mentally during sessions. Masochism can also be self-inflicted, which further validates that they aren’t always submissive.

Sissies and cross-dressers

Sissies and cross-dressers are men who wear women’s clothing, makeup, and behave in a typically feminine manner. Generally speaking, a sissy is one that is “forced” by their Domme to dress as a woman, while a cross-dresser is someone that does it of their own accord. They may or may not want to live their life as a woman, but there are different reasons that people are attracted to this practice. One can simply be drawn to the aesthetics of dressing in more feminine clothing.

Some find it humiliating to be dressed as a woman. I refuse to participate in cross-dressing sessions that are humiliation-based, as I find absolutely nothing humiliating about being a woman. For others, it’s about breaking stereotypic views on masculinity and femininity. Some strive to create a more feminine connection with their Dominatrix, as generally speaking, the way that two women interact is different than the way a woman and a man will interact.

BDSM relationships

There is often a lot of crossover from these different roles. A slave can be a fetishist but not a masochist (here’s to hoping his Domme isn’t a sadist!). A cross-dresser isn’t necessarily submissive, but enjoys donning the beautiful outfits that we women get to wear. A Domme may be a masochist.

As with the entirety of BDSM practices, there are no rules except that things happen between consenting adults. One day someone might identify as a submissive, the next day they realize that they are a fetishist, then the following day want to be dressed up in a pretty dress and high heels. Humans are constantly evolving both inside and outside of the framework of BDSM. If you fluctuate between these different roles, no problem. Just keep it safe and keep it kinky!

If you enjoy my blog, feel free to share it on social media. You can follow me on Twitter to hear about my BDSM adventures on a (nearly) daily basis.